It's been awhile since I've made a post and I feel like it's time for a new one.
The issues with my heart have been sorted out because it turns out that there are none! Which is a complete load off of my mind, I can tell you that. However, even with those issues taken off the table, I still, for some reason, have plenty.
The "funk" has hit me again. I seem to remember a time a couple of years ago when I had no ambition to do anything; when it seemed as if my fire had gone out. I'm facing all those same feelings again and it sucks. It sucks hard; as bad as it ever has. I'm in a position now that I was only dreaming of being in - I have a wonderful man in my life and in my daughter's life, we have a nice home where there's contentment and happiness. I even have a weight room in the basement. And yet.....meh. There's this part of me that just stopped wanting to move and I can't get it kickstarted again. I can come up with all sorts of reasons why I can't do anything. The weight room is a mess and there's junk piled on every bench and machine surface. I'm exhausted from sitting in a cubicle all day. I'm rushed when I get home to get dinner going, take the dog out, and spend time with my daughter. The house needs cleaning. Laundry needs washing. The list could be endless. I feel exhausted.
There is another part of me though that is silently screaming. I listen to myself with all these bullshit excuses and it makes me physically ill. There's an answer to each excuse. Clean the weight room. If I moved more during the day, it wouldn't be such a drag on my system. Frank has already told me not to worry about dinner being such a huge deal, it doesn't have to be a production every day. The dog only takes 10 minutes, tops to walk and do his business. Spending time with my girl while I work out is still time spent together. My exhaustion is brought on by my own bullshit. See, there's an easy solution to it all. Just knowing that makes me even angrier with myself.
I've said it before and it bears repeating - I have NEVER regretted working out. I've never finished 45 minutes of lifting and thought, "well that just wasn't worth it". I'm my own worst enemy and I'm not setting a very good example for my daughter. I'm capable of doing better than this. It's just that plain and simple.
Maybe I felt like writing this because I knew, on a deeper level, that it would be the jump start that I needed. It's sort of like confession, this blog. I'm confessing my sins openly to myself and to everyone and now I need to take action to repent for these sins. Sins of letting myself slide; letting myself weaken; letting myself waiver and stray from my path.
I can't say that changes will happen immediately because it seems as if every time I say that, it's a jinx on myself. I will say that baby steps are in order. I've done a few kettlebell workouts, but the discipline and structure to do them every day isn't there. So my first baby step is to do something each and every day. Right now, I don't care if it's a program, a set routine, with weights or body weight. I just need to do something to make myself stronger and leaner (I've got to get this extra fat off of me). It's going to suck, I know this. I'm not going to like it, it won't be fun and I will be pissed at having to do it. But I also know that I WILL NOT regret it.
I don't think I'll ever be issue free, I mean, who really is? But lighting a match and seeing some of them go up in flames sure would be nice.
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