Oh my word. Almost a year since my last post. And yet, not all that much has changed. I've been at a sort of impasse for quite some time and I'm telling you, I have no answers. I have questions galore, but answers are sparse. As sparse as daisies in the dessert.
I stopped going to the gym probably 2 years ago because logistically, it was insane. I will admit that it was that change that caused the upset. I went from living 10 minutes down the street from where I work and having the bus drop my daughter at our driveway to moving a couple of towns away and having to drop my daughter off before and after school. It turned my commute into a 45 minute schlep one way. That's a huge chunk of time gone from my week. 7.5 hours to be exact.
Now I have a home to take care of. Dinner to cook for 3 of us, a maniac disguised as a dog and chickens. Although, the chickens really don't require much day to to day. My daughter's in 3rd grade now and homework for her sometimes means homework for me and that's a good 30 minutes.
So while I'm not one for using excuses, I just can't seem to work anything out around all those factors. Not anything with any regularity anyhow. All of those things combined have also lead to just an overall decline in the enjoyment of working out. It's not fun anymore. Instead, it's simply another chore that needs doing. I'm tired of chores. And just plain tired. Crappy sleep, usually around 4-5 hours of interrupted sleep nightly, wears on you after awhile.
Train had been my priority. I came home and that's what I did. Of course, I had more time by myself then and it filled the emptiness. Now my life is full and I certainly won't call that a bad thing. So is it really all that bad that my priorities have changed? I still want to be healthy and fit. I think that's a goal that we all should have. I want to be capable and mobile well into my golden years so I know I have to start that now. But deadlifting 500 lbs doesn't seem like it's such an important thing anymore. I mean, it would be cool as hell if I could do it, but if I never do, I'm kinda good with that too. Kind of. Because under it all is still this drive to keep on keeping on. It drives me insane; seriously. I wish I could turn that little nagging asshole voice off, but it won't shut up. When all I want is to sit and turn my brain off, that frickin voice is berating me for not doing something; anyhing. I swear, if I could meet that voice face to face, I poke it's eyes out. But then too, on the other hand, I'm grateful for that voice at times. There are times I can just ignore it, but then sometimes I can't and I push through and find 30 minutes to lift. I've never regretted giving in to that voice.
After it all, I have no conclusions. I've talked through all this stuff hundreds of times over in my head; talked about it with my boyfriend; made countless schedules, and it all leads to dead ends and inconsistent effort. Basically, this post was one big vent session but I needed it. I'm leaving it kind of like a cliffhanger for now. Will I nail down some discipline and a workable schedule? Will I sell all my equipment and go out for hot fudge sundaes? Will I ever have an equal number of answers and questions? You know as much as I do at this point.
No comments:
Post a Comment