Night Reflections

     Now that my little girl is in bed and I have some quiet time, I wanted to take a minute and look back on tonight. It was an excellent night at the gym. Every night I can get to the gym is great, but there will always be certain nights that stand out.
     I went in and gave my trainer, Justin, a heads up that I had only had a few hours sleep the night before. I was stressed and anxious about shit and had a killer migraine. Sleep was the last thing my body could do. So while I certainly wasn't using that as an excuse to get out working hard, I just wanted to get the warning out there that I may be a little loopy. Squat night is not a night to be loopy.
     But I started hitting them and pushing them out pretty well. It wasn't long before I had gotten up to a PR of 185lb.  Who knew that lack of sleep was a key ingredient to success? (You all know I'm being sarcastic as hel right now. Never skimp on sleep, my darlings). 
     Then we moved on to power lockouts. I had no idea what they were, I had never done them but I was excited when we started at my max squat weight,even more excited when we got to 4 plates on the bar, and down right ecstatic when I got to 6 plus another 10lbs!
     Let me explain what really stuck out to me about myself tonight. The pain, to me, is beautiful.  I don't mean the D.O.M.S. that sets in a couple days after each session. I mean the pain, the hurt, of a knurled bar with 325lbs on it digging into your shoulders and back. I'm talking about the pain of holding that loaded bar for a mere 10 seconds. Feeling your neck, shoulders, and traps burning as they struggle under the burden. The pain of having to keep your entire body tight and solid as you breath through the agony. What makes it beautiful is knowing that A) not so long ago, you couldn't imagine yourself doing this and B) you're doing something that the majority of women will never do. You are suffering because you know the benefits that you'll harvest for all your hard work.
     So as I stood there, feeling myself trembling under the strain, I thought, "this is the feeling I've been missing for so long. This is what I had lost. But it's back." It's back and better than ever, bitches.  The Otter is planning a comeback. My fire is building and with it my confidence and excitement.  I'm still fairly restrained in the gym, but inside I'm a cauldron bubbling over with badassery.
     So those are my thoughts before I retire to hopefully peaceful slumber. No giving up.  No giving in. Just pushing as hard as I need to in order to achieve my goals.