Level Ground

     Now that my anxiety has subsided and I was able to placate myself with steak and veggies, I thought I would delete my previous post. Then I decided no, I would leave it up. I've never censored myself on this blog yet and I have no intention of starting that now. I'm honest about the ups and downs I have and I hope that fact alone may help someone else out there who's struggling. So the meltdown post stays. 
     Right, taking a closer look at my situation I see that consistency is something that's very hard for me to come by lately. It bothers me that my schedule isn't set in stone. It bothers me that I set goals for myself that I can't seem to ever achieve. I guess, I had this vision in my head of training an hour each day come hel or high water. I fell prey to all those stupid quasi inspirational quotes about giving 110%, 100% of the time; about how there's no reason not to train; blah blah blah. I forgot that I was allowed to have a life. 
     I have a gorgeous 5 year old sprite of a daughter that I barely get to spend time with during the week. I see her for an hour or so as we rush to get ready in the morning and then we have about 4 hours between her coming home from school and bedtime. I only have 4 afternoons with her, so that's a total of 16 hours to enjoy my heart and soul. Take away 2 hours for the gym and 2 hours she gets with her dad on one of those days and I'm down to 12 hours with her. I cannot justify taking more hours away from her, I can't.  It's bad enough that those 12 hours are filled with homework, errands, cooking, showers, etc. In the summer, it's a little easier to train with her because she can be outside playing while I lift. It makes it more of a game. But in the winter, our quarters are tight enough for me to move, let alone 2 of us trying to be active. So, I have to be satisfied with getting training in during my 2 gym days and on her night out with dad.  Now the weekends, what about those? Well, I've a new person in my life and right now spending quality time with him takes precedence. At some point, we'll work into our own groove and probably even carve out some time to train together, which is something I look forward to very much.
     What I'm finding, and what this blog is helping me to work out, is that I'm not that person that will live in the gym. I want too many other things out of life. I want adventures with my daughter and time spent learning about a certain man. I want weekends spent camping or riding or boating. I want trips to amusement parks and museums, and I want slow paced movie nights and date nights. What I've realized,  is that's all ok. It doesn't make me a quitter or less dedicated. If anything, it shows just how determined I am to have everything I want. 
     I will still be strong, stronger than most. I will still be able to hit my target weights, and maybe even one day get at least one competition under my belt. I still want my little girl to see her mom kicking ass and taking names. That's very important to me. She needs to see that strength, but she also needs to see me making time for her and other important people and things in my life. I've never been someone with a narrow focus. I've always held a wide variety of interests and talents. Why I suddenly expected that to change now, I don't know. I lost myself for a moment, to the stereotype of a "lifter". If there is one thing I am not, it's a stereotype.     Just when you think you have me figured out, I will pull another trick out of my hat and send you reeling because that's how I roll. 
     Justin told me that guilt is a wasted emotion and he's right. Feeling the guilt of not being good enough did nothing but send me over the edge. Frankly, I'm sick of going over that damn edge. I want level ground for a change, at least for a little while. It's within my grasp now and my grip has been strengthened, so there's no reason I can't take that level ground and hold on toght. Screw carrying guilt around with me, that's what iron's for.