Competition

     Competition. I hear that and at once I'm scared, nervous, excited, worried, etc., etc. I knew Justin had wanted to set a date for a mock body building competition; working as if I would compete. I knew that meant a switch up in training and a major tweak to my dietary habits. Yesterday he threw me for a loop when he brought up the idea of an actual, honest to goodness competition. I nearly vomited. 
     You have to understand that this idea of body building is unnerving to me. I have always had body issues. I've always been insecure about the way I looked and generally, for most of my life, hated the way I looked. I only just started wearing "short pants" to the gym a couple of years ago because I couldn't take being so hot. I never wear actual shorts, even if it's 90°. So this whole concept of focusing entirely on my appearance freaks me out a bit. Now add onto that getting up on stage, in front of strangers, in a teeny bikini and my head is about to explode. I'm not saying that it doesn't intrigue me and get me excited, but it scares the shit out of me. Right now, I don't see anything bikini worthy on my person. Maybe a shoulder or too, but beyond that, no way. Someone hand me my jeans and tank top. 
     Yet, as I sit here at work, sipping water with unfiltered apple cider vinegar (seriously, it's amazing stuff), I feel this little tingle of "I can do this". I've seen other people go through incredible transformations, why can't I be one of those people? Of course I worry if I can do it. I wouldn't be me if I didn't, but I don't think that should be reason enough not to try. Because, let's be honest here, what the hel could it hurt? It's certainly not going to make me weaker, in fact this is the very thing that I may need to get back to strongwoman. It's going to make me more disciplined, which is something I truly need to be. And above all, it's going to make me overcome my fear of my own image. I have to learn how to objectively look at my body in a mirror and pick it apart (that I'm good at) but to also see what's good and awesome about it. It will force me to sever the emotional connection between myself, my soul, my personality, and this meat wagon that carries it all around. 
     So I suppose I've made my decision. Looks like I should start learning poses now, learning that mind/muscle connection. I've already begun some minor changes to the diet and I'll be refining it even more. And I suppose I should come to terms with the idea of the teeny bikini (shudder). I may have to get on stage with it, but you can bet your sweet ass someone will be standing just offstage with my jeans!