Keep Pushing.

     We're going to miss tomorrow because of the dentist, but we didn't miss today! I will admit that I was not looking forward to today, but we'll get to that. Right now, here's what got done:

••••••••••

DEADLIFTS:

I guess you could classify these as speed sets, making sure to completely touch the floor, pause for 1/2 second and lift again. 

133lb x15

177lb x10

221lb x1, 177lb x5

177lb x5, x2

133lb x10, x6, x4

BB BENT ROWS:

Bar x15

(67lb x10) 3x

SEATED ROWS:

70lb x5, switched the attachment, 70lb x5

85lb x10

90lb x5, x2

75lb x15

BACK RAISES:

10lb x10

25lb x10

45lb x4

DEAD HANGS:

18.7 sec.

24.7 sec.

21.8 sec.

••••••••••

     Tonight felt OK. Nothing earth-shattering or anything really to brag about went down, but I still lapped everyone on the couch, I guess. I'm trying to be positive here, even though it's not exactly what I feel. Some days, I go in there and I feel strong, I feel capable and I feel great. Other times, such as tonight and really, for the past couple of weeks, I go in there and I feel old, fat, out of shape and like a huge embarrassment that's totally out of their element.

     This may be a shock to some of you, but time doesn't stop for anyone. I know. I was shocked too when I realized that. Seriously though, I'm about 13 years older than when I began this adventure of weightlifting and fitness. I was in much better shape back then. I could lift more, my conditioning was awesome and my physical body looked a hell of a lot better. Now, I'm just a shadow of what I used to be and the only person to blame is me. I let it go out of pure laziness. That's infuriating to me and I'm pissed at myself for letting it happen. I've been down this road before, playing the solo blame game. It gets me no where except more depressed.

     I know I can't stay young forever, part of me doesn't truly mind getting older. Another part of me hates it and hates, yes that's the correct word, this old broad that looks back from the mirror every day. 

     My nutrition has gone back to the gutter, my acid reflux is back, poor sleep is still hanging around and I'm just so very done. I'm pushing to get through each day and stay awake past 8pm but I mostly lose that battle and head to bed at "old people" o'clock; sleep for a couple of hours or three and then toss and turn the rest of the night. 

     Every day I beat myself for poor choices. Whether it's food or activity or housework or whatever...nothing is off limits and I can't even meet my own standards. It's exhausting, but I keep pushing. My mood swings more than 1940's Glenn Miller and my brain is foggier than London in the fall, but I keep pushing. Because what the hell else am I supposed to do? I know that I would be far more depressed if I quit. I would be angrier at myself for far worse health problems if I stopped trying altogether. Dear Gods, I...am...tired, but I am still pushing. 

     Maybe one day, the pushing won't be so difficult. Maybe it will get easier and it won't be such a struggle. I hope so. I probably know so, I'm just too sad to admit it. 

     If you're struggling, keep pushing. It's not easy, I know. I'm right there in the trenches with you, head low, feet dug in. Reach out and we'll push together.