Road Trip

     I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half. Thankfully, this wasn't because I was injured but because at the moment, life is too hectic. Between work, packing, moving boxes, reorganizing our new place and merging 2 separate households and being a mom, something had to take a backseat and that "thing" was my training. I can't even say that I was diligent at training at home. I'm admitting that maybe I should have done more. I'm going to slide by with the fact that I was tilling a garden with a garden fork, weeding overgrown flower beds all on my hands and knees, and lifting totes and moving furniture. With all that being said, I did, however, make strides to get back on track  with my eating. I'm still trying low carb, but I NEED my fruit. So I'm allowing myself to eat that. I figure that's still better than shoving a candy bar down my throat. I'm also allowing myself to have a coke today; actually for health reasons. Yes, you read that right. I have a wicked migraine that refuses to cooperate and along with that comes a massive craving for coke. I don't know the exact reason, I just know it helps. If you've never dealt with a migraine, then don't judge. 
     Seeing as how I have no real training log to share, it's a good time for some more introspective shit. You know the Otter is always down to get deep and all philosophical on you and as always, I managed to learn a lesson from all this chaos.
I'm not the type of person that enjoys chaos and upheaval. You would think that means my life is as smooth as the placid waters of a tropical lagoon. Yeah, no. My life usually contains the swirling, debris-cluttered winds of a tornado. At least, that's what it seems like to me, but the more I think about it, I think those whipping winds are only on the inside. I manage to make things look pretty ok, I think. I like to have things ordered and neat and organized but at this point in time, nothing is ordered. My little schedule that had finally fallen into place has been blown apart and that takes some major adjusting on my part. 
     I know that I can get somewhat obsessive about when things HAVE to be done. I get caught up in my schedule and plan and any deviation from that plan always threw me for a frickin loop. I saw it when my back interfered in my plans for strongwoman plans. I was so strict about following "my plan" that I wasn't able to step back and see the bigger picture. After a few panic attacks (alone in the darkness while everyone was sleeping) I managed to get my emotional wreck of a brain to stop and to listen to Mr. Logic. I looked at things on the grander scale and realized I was still working towards my goal, I just needed to adjust the road that I was taking. 
     It's the same thing with my diet. I stepped back and understood that there would be times that I would fall off of the wagon, and fall hard. I made the effort to realize that I could get back up and chase that damn wagon down and hop back on. I had to remind myself that I'm doing all this for the long haul and the end is still a very, very long way off. I've barely even begun. In the grand scheme of things, a week off from formal training isn't going to kill me. Maybe it actually gave me some needed healing time too, both physically and mentally. I reminded myself that obsession and drive are two very different things. Drive will last and endure and burns low and white hot. Obsession is fleeting, it's a flash of heat that dissipates as quickly as it flared. I choose to be driven, not obsessed.
     I've also learned to make allowances in some areas. I will never allow weakness, but sometimes that's too hard of an approach. I know we've all seen the women that say that you can and should be able to do it all - be a mom, work full time, save the planet, train for an hour each day. It's just bullshit, plain and simple. there are 24 hours in each day that we have and while some macho badasses want to claim that you don't need sleep, I have to disagree. I allowed myself to be human. With that comes all the downsides of being human - I need sleep, I make mistakes and I am not perfect. To those of you who are, I take my hat off to you. 
     I've taken some of the pressure off of myself and I have to say that it feels good. I want to be able to enjoy this journey and not just rush through it to say that I did it. Enjoyment was something that I was beginning to forget in the pursuit of "perfection".
     Tomorrow I hit the gym again and it will be good to get back. It's good to feel tat physical effort and then exhaustion, it's good to see my trainer and interact with him and it's good to know that I'm once again, moving on this road to being strong. The road trip continues and it continues with a renewed sense of fun.

It's A Small Thing

Warm up
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"TIGHTROPE " WORK:
All of these movements done on my toes along a seam in the mat area. Each pass is about 20'
Toe walk x2
Large step walk x2
Walking lunge x2
Side shuffle x1 ea side
Single leg hop x1 ea side
Then 2 passes each of 4 different agility movements. They're too hard to describe but it's a lot of weaving and switching feet.
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SQUATS:
[front squat  (bar) x5 / strict press (bar) x5 / 45lb KB RDL x10 ] x4
Press x20 (14 strict, 6 w/leg drive)
[Front squats x3] x6 and 2 more to make 20
Partial front squats x20
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[Mountain climbers with PVC hand grips x10 ea leg] 5x
[Feet on ball, PVC hand grips, reverse mountain climbers x10 ea leg ] 5x
12" step ups x5 ea leg
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BOX SQUATS:
holding 12lb rogue ball at chest level x10
Ball overhead x10
Back to chest level x10
Ball about midway out x10
Ball at full arm length x10
Ball starting low and bringing overhead into squat x10
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[Calf raises with 100lbs of chains on bar x10] 3x
Calf raises, empty bar x30
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Reverse hypers and stretching to finish
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100lb calf raises are not really that big of a deal, but that's the most weight I've had on my back in quite a long time. It's another good sign that I'm not totally out of the game. I've been knocked back a bit, but I know that I'm 100% capable of returning to where I was and then some. 100lbs this week, maybe 105 next. ;)

I'm Willing

40lb DB shrugs x40
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BENCH:
Bar x20
Bar 4/1 x10, no rack, x20 regular pace
Orange band low face pulls x10
65lb 45 seconds (x16) / face pulls x10
70lb 45 sec (x13)  / f.p. x10
75lb 45 sec (x14) / f.p. x10
85lb 45 sec (x10) / f.p. x10
95lb 45 sec (7.5) / f.p. x10
The last rep I needed assistance
65lb 45 sec (x16)
Bar 45 sec (x17)
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DB INCLINED BENCH:
Bench x5 / fat guy pull ups x5
15lb, 20lb, 25lb, 30lb 
35lb  (with assistance)
15lb x25 (no pull ups)
(Push ups x5) 5x
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(Nearly flat) o.h. plate tricep extensions
25lb x10
15lb x20
10lb x30
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DIPS:
Hands on 18" box, feet on bench x6
Pushups x6
Dips (same set up) w/40lb weighted vest on lap x3
No vest x3
Hands on bench, feet on floor x6
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Plank side shuffle 10' x2, 1 pushup
Ladder up to 5 push ups
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     A very good night at the gym. My back is actually feeling better after Sunday's little mishap. I'm taking the shorter recovery time as a positive (I take the positives where I can find them). I felt strong tonight, not super human and not at the level I was, but strong nonetheless. 
     I told Justin that I am willing myself to get better. Mindset is super important and I think, sometimes, we allow ourselves to get sucked into the medical loop of ailments that have no end. I think back to 3 years ago when I struggled with a lot of things, a lot of aches and pains and it pushes me to get past this. I didn't put in all that hard work to simply watch it vanish. 
     So I am WILLING  my injury to heal, my muscles to get stronger and my spirit to burn hot. Simple as that.
     

Valley

Saturday my back was feeling pretty damn good. I worked in the garden, turning soil over and pulling weeds and while there was a little soreness,  there was no major discomfort or stabbing pains. I felt enthusiastic about that, really. It was a good feeling to be able to move almost like I used to be.
     Saturday night I did some core exercises. They were as follows:
Gluten bridges x10 
Single leg gluten bridge x8 ea
Plank (forearms) 30 sec x2
Side plank 30 sec x2, ea side
3 point plank 15 sec x4 ea side
That circuit was performed twice. On the second go round, the regular planks were done with one of the 30 second holds done with Emily laying on my back. She's about 60lbs. 
     Then Sunday happened.
     We were all goofing around, having a great day when I tried to ride a mini bike. It got away from me and in the process I tweaked my back. Bad. That horrible pain, muscle spasms,  sore to touch. I feel like an asshole again for a lot of reasons. I'm embarrassed that I couldn't ride a mini bike for one, but I'm angry at myself for getting hurt doing something that shouldn't cause this pain. I'm upset that, once again, I feel like possibilities are slipping away from me. I want to give up. I more than likely won't,  but I feel like it.
     I don't give a damn about my diet anymore,  I don't give 2 shits about what I'm eating. I feel like I'm drowning  and I need to focus on being able to move pain free. So for right now, I'm eating what I want and like I used to. 
     I want to be able to do what I used to do, and that includes sneezing without horrific pain. I'm at a low point right now, big time. I've been through enough to know that this is probably temporary,  but I'm tired of it.
     Anyhow. Let's see how long it takes to feel better. I'm going to the gym tomorrow come hel or high water.  Updates will follow.  

What's Your Excuse?

     I did a facebook post on this yesterday, but I'm hoping to expand on it here. I know this is supposed to be my fitness blog, but I think it ties into my own personal journey. So away we go.....
     I was standing in line at the grocery store and just had to snap a picture of this rag.

     This publication has been around for decades. I can remember my mother reading it when I was young and I'm 39 now. There was just so much wrong with this cover that I couldn't resist taking the picture. I was already agitated and I'd only looked at it for about 13 seconds. The biggest headline isn't the fact that Victoria lost 186lbs., it's that you can apparently "melt 14lbs. a week". I'm curious as to how you'd do this. I can think of one way and that's by being deathly ill. It's simply not healthy to lose that amount of weight in one week, I don't care what magazines or T.V. shows tell you. Usually a weight loss of 1-2lbs. is considered normal through diet and exercise. It can be more depending on what you're doing and usually that ends up being water weight. But 14?! Come on!
     We then go on to learn that we can melt belly fat with a spice. OOOOOO! Really?  Well hell, that sounds a lot easier than working my ass off with weight training. Just when I thought I couldn't get any more excited, they tell me I can cure cellutlite with a pill! WOW-WEE! I didn't even know cellulite was a disease, let alone there was a cure for it. Here I was, all dumb and shit, thinking that it was a type of fat, and the only way to MINIMIZE its appearance was once again through hard work. Boy, I'll tell ya, if nothing else, this magazine has made me realize just how uninformed and uneducated I truly am. Thank you Woman's world for opening my eyes. 
     OK, can you sense my attitude here? It's one of frustrated disbelief. I cannot believe that in 2016 women still fall for this shit. Nothing on this cover says anything about getting stronger or more capable. I bet you dollars to doughnuts that 'ole Victoria up there is as flabby and jiggly as she ever was at 300 and some odd pounds. Especially if all she was doing was walking and eating a frickin spice (which, by the way, I highly doubt). I begin to wonder, as well, why women got themselves into the spot of being a target for all this bullshit. Yes, I put the blame squarely on our shoulders because we can go back to medieval times and map out how men were in charge and kept us under control, yadda yadda yadda, but at some point we became strong enough to expect better. Women expect to be taken seriously so how is this stupidity still being accepted? I challenge you to pick up a men's magazine and find the same amount of quasi-medical information in it. I know there are still some scams that are geared toward men, but on a whole, I would bet that women take the brunt of it. That leads to the fact, however, that they must fall for it because these magazines sell.
     It also led me to a discussion this morning about mental toughness. I think if someone is grasping at this drivel to lose weight, then they are weak and simply looking for the easy way out. I was told that, no, it's because women are desperate. Well, to me, that's pretty much the same thing. You'll hear so many excuses why someone can't lose weight - no time, no money, they're "depressed" and have no motivation, nobody understands how hard it is. On and on and on. I'm a very imperfect person but one thing I've learned along my journey over the past few years is that excuses are BULLSHIT; each and every one of them.
     I was depressed. Not to the point of hurting myself, although the thought crossed my mind once or twice, but I got pretty low. No one pulled me out of that except myself. No doctors, no drugs, just me; me and some iron and old fashioned work. I made a choice to change and not just to lose weight, but to get strong and healthy. I made the decision to get myself to match the vision I had always had of myself ever since I was a little kid. I'm still working towards it, but I'm closer now than ever. Inside and out I changed. My will got stronger, my mindset got stronger, my body followed suit. There were days when I would be in tears halfway through a workout because I was so incredibly sad and empty and had absolutely no desire to continue. But I did. Days when my mind hurt and my heart felt nonexistent made it difficult to stay motivated, but I pushed on. Days when I hated the fact that I was lifting and hurting, but I carried through with it. So please don't tell me how hard it is. I know. 
     Have no money? Last I checked everyone has a body and body weight exercises are some of the best ways to get in shape. Think you don't have enough room? If you can lie on the floor and stretch your arms, you have ample room and on good days, take your ass outside and work out. And one more word on the whole depression bandwagon: weight training and working out increase the "feel good" chemicals in your brain. Just FYI. Proven fact.
     Mental fortitude is something that's taken a serious hit over the past decade or so and I'm not sure why. Lots of reasons I suppose and we could discuss it for hours. Preferably over a beer or two and some good food.  All I know is that it sickens me to my core to see weakness so widespread. Why no one wants to be healthy and strong now so that they won't be frail little elderly people that can't fend for themselves is beyond me. I want to be that old woman that's still out gardening and mowing her lawn when she's 80. I don't want to be dependent on my daughter to help me live my day to day life. I want to be strong and so I will be. And I don't want to listen to weak ass, bitchy excuses from people as to why they can't be. Suck it up, buttercup and either join in the games or get out of the way and let the badasses through. We have shit that needs doin'. ;)

Blisters Make Me Happy

Warm up stuff
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Reverse hyper :
Hang, easy swings
Hamstring / low back stretch
Arm hangs with small leg circles
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TIRE DRAG:
(Approx. 175lbs including the chain & handle)
One arm side drag about 50' ea arm
10 body squats
One arm behind the back drag about 50'
10 body squats
2 arm behind the back drag about 100'
10 body squats 
2 arm backwards drag about 100' 
The 2 arm drags were done with cloth grips
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[Press x10 (bar) / squat x3 (bar) / hanging knee raises x5] 3x
Walking lunges x12 ea leg
Strict Press 65lb x3 / squat x3 / H.K.R. x5
S.P. x4 / squat x3 / H.K.R. x5
S.P. x5 / squat x3 / H.K.R x5
S.P. x6 / squat x3 / H.K.R. x5
Strict Press, bar x10
20lb DB strict press x10 (not all at once) H.K.R. x5
15lb DB s.p. x10 / H.K.R x5
12lb DB s.p. x10 / H.K.R. x5 
Bar press w/leg drive x10
12lb DB x10 / Fat guy pull ups x10
15lb DB x10 / F.G.P. x10
20lb DB x10 / F.G.P. x13 (feet flat on floor)
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12" step ups w/ T raise:
8lb x15 ea leg
10lb x12 ea leg
15lb x10 ea leg
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30lb DB calf raise/shrug x50
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     We tried DB RDL's, but there was uncomfortable pain so we did the calf raise/shrugs instead.
     The hanging knee raises were done from the squat rack which is square tubing, slick, and a pain on the ass to grip - an excellent workout for your grip and forearms and also an excellent way to bring up some new blisters. Yes, that's makes me happy because I haven't had blisters in almost a year. I don't know, it means something to me. It means hard work. It means pushing through discomfort. It means strength being earned. To someone who, as of late, has felt weak and inadequate,  these blisters were a breath of fresh air and like a returning home. Weird, I know, but I never said I was normal. 
     There's still disappointment in not being able to squat correctly, especially when I can remember squatting 185lb and doing power lockouts with over 300lb. Now, I'm reduced to shallow squats at 65lbs, but I suppose there's something to be said for me still squatting at all.  I know there have been more than a few times that I could have given up, and more than a few times when I wanted to. I'm glad I didn't,  haven't,  and won't.  A little story for you: 
     Tuesday night, bench night, I looked up from under the bar and Emily was sitting on a stack of rogue plates by my feet. I hadn't known she was there watching. I sat up and tried to give her a smooch but she laughed and told me "no sweaty kisses". The feeling of knowing she saw me working, saw me sweating, even though I have the issues I do, is one of the most powerful feelings I could ever have to motivate me. How could I quit with that little girl watching? Even when she isn't physically with me, she's there pushing me and making me strong. I will push (sensibly) for Em. 

Song of the day right here. NEVER QUIT!