The Shot Heard 'Round The World

     It was deadlifts tonight. After what happened, I kind of wish I was dead. Here's what I managed:

••••••••••

DEADS:

111lb x12

Paused:

155lb x8

155lb x6

199lb x3

199lb x4

199lb x3

BB RDL:

155lb x6

155lb x8

(199lb x3) 2x

BENT BB ROW:

Bar x15

67lb x10

77lb x8

SEATED NARROW CABLE ROW:

Single/Single/Double

45lb x8 / x8 / 90lb x8

45lb x8 / x8 / 90lb x6

55lb x5 / x5 / 100lb x5

ISOLATERAL LAT PULLDOWN:

SIngle/Single/Double

35lb x15 / x15 / x7

40lb x10 / x10 / x5

ASSISTED PULLUPS:

90lb x8

90lb x5.5

90lb x6

•••••••••

     Everything felt pretty good tonight. I'm pleased with the paused deadlifts and there was zero pain in my knees. As of right now, there is also no pain in my lower back. So, knowing all that, you're probably asking yourself why I wish that I was dead. Part of me doesn't want to even talk about it, or breathe life into it. Another part of me, however, knows that sunlight is the best disinfectant and if anything needs disinfectant, this would be it. So let's pour some sunshine on this moment of my life.

     We arrived at the gym and made our way to the back where we deadlift. It was fairly quiet in there, as it has been for the past few days. There was a young guy to our right and another guy on our left, both working diligently on themselves. We got the bar set up with my first weight, as is our custom. I set up, lifted it with ease, and stepped aside for my love to get his warmups in. Everything was smooth and easy, and relatively ho-hum. 

     We got the weight put on for my first set of paused lifts. I set my feet and bent to grab the bar. I set myself in position and took my beautiful, deep breath and braced. I pulled that bar smoothly from the floor and just as smoothly let escape the loudest burst of gas I think I've ever had. It resounded in the weight room like the crack of a lightning bolt from a midsummer's storm and I was mortified. I lowered the weight and got 7 more reps just as beautiful as the first but a lot quieter. 

     I turned to Frank and shut him down before he could get one lousy dad joke out of his cute little mouth. He obviously saw the horror and self-loathing on my face and immediately went into playing dumb, acting as though he had no earthly idea what I was talking about. Bless his little heart. 

     I resolved right then and there that I would never set foot in that gym again. I was done; this was my last day. How could I show my face again after having such thunderous flatulence? The shame would be passed down my family line for generations - sorry Em and all of my future grandkids. I suppose it could've been worse. At least it didn't stink and thank goodness it wasn't anything more than air that came out. Oh my god, I can't even imagine...

     OK, so maybe I will go back on Thursday but I'll guarantee you I'll still be embarrassed and still be 100% totally certain that everyone will now identify me as "the chick that farted". Google reassures me that "it is common; many lifters just allow it to happen as the part of the sport." Thanks Google, but that's not making me feel any better. Here's to hoping that I'm truly overreacting and if I'm not, here's to hoping that people have short memories.

Other Plans

     Last Friday was supposed to be squat day. It's my favorite day. Last Friday was most definitely not my favorite day. I had every intention of going heavy one more time but my knees had other plans. Read on to share in my misery.

••••••••••

Friday 4/25

SQUAT:

95lb - FAIL

Bar - FAIL

There was just too much sharp pain even with knee sleeves for me to continue.

Elliptical:

10 minutes, .6 miles

My knees were "catching" even on the elliptical. They weren't moving smoothly at all.

STANDING CALF RAISES:

(+90lb x10) 3x

EXERCISE STEP:

4 Risers high

SINGLE LEG DIPS:

Body Weight x10 ea. Left knee was giving the most pain here.

KB STEP UPS:

(20lb x10 ea.) 2x

KB SINGLE LEG DIPS:

(35lb x10 ea.) 2x

MULTI HIP MACHINE:

KICKBACK:

15lb x12 ea.

18lb x10 ea.

29lb x8 ea.

35lb x6 ea.

Monday 4/27

INCLINED BENCH:

65lb x10

75lb x10

85lb x8

BENCH:

95lb x10

115lb x3

Larsen Press:

95lb x10

115lb x5

Narrow Grip:

65lb x10

95lb x5

DB ROLLBACKS:

15lb x10

20lb x8

25lb x8

DB PULLOVER:

35lb x10

40lb x8

45lb x8

SEATED CHEST PRESS:

50lb x10 narrow

50lb x10 wide

55lb x6 narrow

55lb x5.5 wide

60lb x4 narrow

60lb x2.5 wide

PEC DEC:

Single/Single/Double

(80lb x10 / x10 / x10) 2x

100lb x5 / x5 / x4

TRI. PUSH DOWN:

Single Arm

15lb x12

20lb x4

15lb x7

••••••••••

     I was so friggin disappointed on Friday. I don't know why I had so much pain in these knees, but there was just no way any squats were going to happen. And let's be honest - those single leg dips weren't very dipped, but I needed to do something. 

     Today was OK. I was slipping on the damn bench though and it was aggravating. Those bench pads at the gym are like ice. I may need to get some sort of grippy thing to put down. 

I don't have too much to say. As always, I can have all the plans in the world, but sometimes Life has it's own agenda. 

Washed Out

I've not been feeling quite on point this week, but I've still been getting to the gym. Not a lot of energy or enthusiasm though. Here's the past 3 days:

••••••••••

Monday 4/20

BENCH:

95lb x10

115lb x5

(135lb x4) 2x

135lb x3

115lb x7

(115lb x4 1/2 reps, x1 full rep) 2x

95lb x7 1/2 reps, x1 full rep

INCLINED PRESS:

(75lb x8) 3x

DECLINE PRESS:

95lb x10

95lb x9

95lb x5

SEATED CHEST PRESS:

(40lb x10 narrow / 40lb x10 wide) 2x

PEC DEC:

(55lb x10) 3x

Tuesday 4/21

DEADS:

133lb x10

177lb x8

199lb x6 (3 - standard, 3 - mixed)

(243lb x2) 2x

199lb x5

PINNED GOOD MORNINGS:

Bar x10

95lb x10

115lb x10

125lb x10

CABLE ROW:

Narrow Grip, Single / Single / Double:

40lb x10 / x10 / 75lb x8

40lb x10 / x10 / x10

45lb x6 / x6 / 85lb x6

50lb x5 / x5 / 90lb x5

LAT PULLDOWNS:

70lb x10

85lb x10

(85lb x9) 2x

Thursday 4/23

OVERHEAD PRESS:

Bradford:

Bar x10

55lb x7

Strict:

55lb x10

65lb x6

75lb x4

Push:

(99lb x3) 3x

Strict:

55lb x8 - behind the head

55lb x8 - front

STRAIGHT BAR CURL / FRONT RAISE:

(20lb x10 overhand / x10)

(30lb x8 overhand / x8) 2x

CABLE LAT RAISE:

(10lb x10) 3x

CABLE TRICEP KICKBACK:

(10lb x10) 2x

(15lb x6) 2x

Z TWIST:

10lb x7

(10lb x5) 3x

ISOLATERAL PRESS:

+10lb x10

+15lb x5

+15lb x1

••••••••••

     Monday was probably the worst day of the week for me. I was feeling exhausted and washed out and about halfway through I started feeling sick to me stomach. I didn't want to quit though, so I just lightened the weight and finished the night. Tuesday was just sort of meh, but I wound up doing more weight than I have before. Tonight, I still felt weak as hell and just not energized. I feel like my tank is empty. I've been eating OK, I've even been sleeping well. I've gained weight and feel like crap. I really don't know what's going on. I'd like to go talk to a doc about hormone issues, but I can't get a doctor - I'm on a waiting list. The modern day medical system sucks ass. Plain and simple. I guess for now, I'm on my own. I'm gonna try and revamp my diet again, change up anything that looks bad, although I honestly haven't been eating poorly. 

     The only thing I do know is that I'm hungry now and tired. I'm gonna eat and watch some true crime and relax. 

Why Are You Curling There?

     I've never been in this realm before. Numbers are going up. Here's where everything landed:

••••••••••

45° LEGG PRESS / HEEL ELEVATED SQUATS:

(190lb x10 / B.W. x6) 3x

*We started with these because some dude was curling in the squat rack. Serioulsy.

SQUATS:

95lb x10

115lb x8

135lb x6

(165lb x3) 3x

LAYING HAMSTRING CURL:

Single/Single/Double:

50lb x7 / x7 / 70lb x10

50lb x7 / x7 / 60lb x10

*I didn't realize I had put it on 60lb instead of 70lb until after I was done.

50lb x6 / x6 / 70lb x10

LEG EXTENSIONS:

Single/Single/Double:

(50lb x10 / x10 / 100lb x10) 3x

INNER / OUTER:

(50lb x10) 3x / (60lb x10) 3x

••••••••••

     Aside from the whole curling in the squat rack, everything went really well. I'm telling you, I don't understand it. What is the purpose of curling in the power rack? Oh well, it takes all kinds, I suppose. 

     My plan is to do heavy sets for 4 weeks and then switch to lighter weight for reps for 4 weeks. I think this is going to give my body the best chance at staying in one piece and functional. That's the plan, anyhow. It's anybody's guess if it'll actually work. 

     I'm really tired right now and friggin ravenous. I need to find something good to eat before I explode. 

I Had No Plan

     I knew I was pressing today, but I didn't stick to a plan. I'm not sure why I did such an odd rep scheme, but here it is:

••••••••••

OVERHEAD PRESS:

Bradford:

Bar x10

65lb x5

Strict:

65lb x7

75lb x3

Push:

87lb x1 

*started having some knee pain, so I slipped my sleeves on.

87lb x5

97lb x3

107lb x2

107lb x1

107lb x2

Strict:

67lb x8

STRAIGHT BAR RAISE:

Overhead Raise:

20lb x15

Overhead / Front Raise:

(30lb x5 / x5) 3x

BENT ARM LATERAL RAISE:

6lb x15

12lb x10

18lb x8

ISOLATERAL SEATED PRESS:

+5lb x15

+10lb x10

+15lb x3

CABLE TRI. PULL DOWN:

Double:

25lb x12

30lb x10

35lb x8

40lb x5

Single:

10lb x6

(10lb x8) 2x

15lb x8

ASSISTED DIPS:

(60lb x6) 2x

60lb x5

••••••••••

     It was an OK day. Kind of bummed that I need a belt and sleeves to do presses, but it is, what it is. I still am having a weird clicking/popping on standard lateral raises, but it doesn't seem to happen on the bent arm raises, so I went with them. There's always some sort of work around, so there really are no excuses.

     Even with the oddball rep scheme on the presses, I think I did fairly well. At least I got 2 reps with the 107lb. I think that's the most I've done, but I'm not 100% sure. I've been slack on my pressing, it's my least favorite lift. It's something that I'm aware of though, and I'm trying to really work on it. 

Questionable Choices

     Today is our rest day, but I thought I'd throw in some conditioning stuff . We all know I need it! Just a quick little circuit. Here it is:

••••••••••

20LB KETTLEBELL CIRCUIT:

Two Rounds of the Following:

Squat with front press x10

RDL with calf raise x10

Squat in/out x10 ea.

Around the world uppercut x10 ea. side

Reverse lunge with alternate side press x10 ea. side

Single leg RDL with row x10 ea. side

••••••••••

     It was just a sweet little circuit. What the hell could possible be wrong with that? If you don't understand by now that the simple things are usually what get me, then you haven't been paying attention, my friend. I'm fairly certain I died 2.5 times trying to do this. 

     I thought it would be a good idea to work on my conditioning because, well, it sucks. Clearly. My goal was to do each round with minimal rest, which I accomplished. You know what else I accomplished? Massive cramps in my lower back. Oh they were awesome; real beauties. It felt like a belt of twisted muscle wrapped around me in a loving embrace. At one point, I dropped to the deck like a dead bug trying to stretch it out. Yeah, I was out on my deck, in the wide open, visible to all. I hope the neighbors enjoyed it. 

     I knew that it wasn't going to be a stellar showing, but I had no idea that my body would be so stressed from yesterday. I hadn't really experienced much soreness today. I figured I'd wrap the 'ol knees and be on my way. The whole back cramp thing was a total surprise. I'm just resting right now and it's better. I don't think that I can put it off any longer - the Chiropractor is getting a call tomorrow. 

     Even though my performance was distressingly bad, I'm not giving up. I want to keep doing KB stuff on our 3 rest days. Maybe not the same circuit over and over, but something. There's a crap load of KB circuits and movements so I'll have plenty of ways to embarrass myself and entertain my neighbors. If you're in the area, stop by and make sure I'm not dead, or have a laugh. Maybe both.

Tuesday Just Ain't For Tacos

     Tuesdays are now deadlift days! I actually didn't have any tacos to go along with them, but I powered through anyhow. Here's what I did:

••••••••••

DEADS:

111lb x10

177lb x6

221lb x3 overhand

265lb Failed, but got it about 3-4" off the floor

(221lb x3) 2x mixed grip

BB RDL:

11lb x10

(155lb x6) 3x

CHEST SUPPORTED DB ROWS:

Wide / Narrow

15lb x10 / x10

20lb x8 / x8

25lb x6 / x6

30lb x3 / x3

BENT DB ROW:

Lower lat focus:

30lb x10

35lb x8

Narrow:

40lb x10

45lb x8

NARROW LAT PULLDOWN:

70lb x12

75lb x12

(75lb x10) 2x

••••••••••

     And that's all she (meaning me) wrote. Not a bad day, not a real good day. I feel, as always, that I didn't do anywhere near enough. The lats didn't feel like they were hitting the way they should and I'm honestly not sure I was even doing them correctly. The last time I did the narrow grip, they felt good. This time, not so much. I am sort of pleased that I got the first 3 reps of 221lb with the overhand grip. The third rep was slowly slipping loose, but I didn't drop it! My grip must be getting a little better. If I had some tacos, I bet I could've gotten more. Maybe next week.