It's no secret that I feel like I've hit a monster of a wall. A very large, imposing, totally immoveable monster. I've been facing this monster every time I try to train and get some sort of spark back. It sits directly in front of me and torments me, I can almost feel it breathing down my neck, willing me to give up. Most sessions, for the past few weeks involve some amount of tears, but no one can see me and the sweat hides most of them anyhow. The monster doesn't give a damn if I cry or not, he's waiting for me to give in. That douche bag is waiting with a grin on his face that gets bigger every time I falter, every time I doubt myself, every time I rest too long. And Saturday I gave him what he wanted. I quit; gave up; called it done and walked away.
Probably one of the lowest points I've hit because up until now, I've never quit a seesion. But I ran out of faith. I joined that monster in telling myself that I wasn't good enough and that I was stupid for even thinking I could get anywhere. I let myself cave and I'm angrier at myself than I am with that fucking monster.
I will say this though. What this has shown me is that failure is going to happen. It may happen only once, but chances are it's going to happen a lot. There are going to be days when that bastard of a monster wins. It's going to set you back, it's going to make you angry. So be it. This isn't just a one shot battle that I'm fighting here, this is a war and it's not won or lost in the course of one training session, it's cumulative. I retreated after my defeat, withdrew into myself and regrouped. Back, ready to fight another battle today. I doubt it's going to be an easy one because that monster has a fresh win under his belt, but he's arrogant and that will be his downfall.
Another thing this has taught me is that positivity is wonderful, but it's not reality for a lot of us. Some of us have personalities that contain a fair amount of aggression and that's not to be taken as a negative. Humans are, by nature, complicated with our emotions. We have a lot and to force ourselves to only feel one is counterproductive. This is a good thing for me to realize if I ever want to be a trainer. If I've been through hel, and survived, I can give someone a head's up when they're going through it. If I've trained when that was the absolute LAST thing I wanted to do, I can tell someone struggling, that it IS possible. It may suck ass on a royal scale, but it's possible. And if I can tell someone that their own monster may win some of the battles, but in the end, they'll win the war, and if I can say that with certainty because I've seen it happen, then all this bullshit will have been worth it.
Battle is staged for 16:30 on my deck. No reinforcements, no back up. Just me and a monster.
Li
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