Last night...ugh. What a train wreck of a session. I know my trainer will disagree, but to me, it was awful. I got through some sets of squats and good mornings but when we hit the simple little task of kettle bell grappler squats, I was betrayed, yet again, by my own body. The rest of the session was spent stretching.
I had to stop the chiropractor visits every week because I couldn't afford the extra financial burden. Since doing that, however, I've had a constant headache, and my back is right back where it used to be - being a bitch at the slightest sense of work. It appears that while I can't afford financially to go, I can't afford physically not to. I've decided to try once a month. I can afford the $40 copay and it will keep me in my allowed 12 visits per year. (Let's not even get started on the scam that is American health insurance)
Honestly though, this is the straw that is attempting to break the camel's back. For the past week and half I have felt like complete shit - headaches, no appetite, dehydrated, depressed, frustrated and lost. 2016 has started off in a shitty way, but I felt like I always had this. I always had the gym and lifting. Now I feel it slipping and I can't let that happen. This has always been about more than just throwing weights around. I bet if you ask anyone who lifts hard, you'll get a similar answer. For me, this is about achieving a dream that I've had since high school. It's about standing on my own and being independent. It's about expanding my sphere of life and knowledge. I've failed in pretty much everything that I've attempted. Relationships are a nightmare and I have no life to speak of. So far my greatest accomplishment has been my daughter and she has more to do with that than I do. lol She's just inherently awesome. So if I lose this, I have nothing except another disappointment. Mentally, I can't handle that. It makes it even more difficult when I go home and explain what's going on and I hear "maybe you should lay off the gym?". People don't get it. They don't get the depth of the reasons, they don't get the depth of the meaning that this has to me and that pisses me off because it means they don't get me. Like I said, part of this journey is attaining independence. As the sun sets, we have only ourselves to praise or admonish for the day's deeds.
Justin told me that I'm super critical of myself. And I know I am. The logical half of my brain understands that pain like this isn't good and that I need to resolve the issue in order to grow and get better. I know that not every at bat can be a home run and that some nights are going to fall flat and I understand that not every performance is going to be stellar. Then there's the emotional side of my brain that sees this "back issue" as a weak ass excuse and if there's one thing I cannot stand it's excuses. The emotional side of me is fucking pissed at itself for allowing defeat. It's frustrated beyond imagination at the halting of progress. And it's scared. Scared that this dream was another waste of time. I've wasted too much time in my 39 years, that shit needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. I'm behind the curve as it is and I'm trying to make up time. I don't need added delays and obstacles to fight through. I don't need them, but it looks like I'm getting them anyhow. Fucking life, ugh.
So, no, stopping is not an option. It never has been and never will be. Quitting would be the easiest route, right? Quitting always is. But easy wasn't meant for me. I was built for struggle and adversity. I was made for fighting and scrapping; getting beat down and still getting back up swinging. I may not like the fight that I'm in, but I'm in it and I don't intend to lose; not by any stretch of the imagination. The only thing to do is dry the tears, down some aleve and carry the fuck on. At times like these I'm reminded of a quote I saw on the bulletin board at the gym, the first day I walked in there. It's one of the signs to me that I was in exactly the right place. The quote was by John Dryden,
"I am a little wounded, but I am not slain; I will lay me down to bleed a little while, then I will rise and fight again."
This battle isn't over, and I will rise to fight again.
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