I Had A Feeling

25lb plate press/pullover x25
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BENCH:
55lb 4/1 x10
75lb x3
95lb x3
125lb x1
135lb x1 FAIL
95lb x3
75lb x3
55lb x10
Bar, wide/mid/narrow x10 ea.
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Tricep ext. into pull over, 45lb x10
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I had taken up a challenge to beat all of my 1rm by the end of the week. I wasn't really feeling it, and I had a feeling it wouldn't work, but I tried it anyhow. I met my max, but couldn't beat it. Which of course, made me angry, which of course made me cut things short. No more challenges. I'm sticking to my plan of easing back in with light weights and high volume. I'm kind of tired of listening to other people and letting their views change what I do and what brings me enjoyment. Let me be clear here, my friend was in no way forcing me to do this and I willing took part. It's like I always sabotage myself. Always. I know what I should be doing, eating, lifting...whatever. And I always find a way to stray off track and fuck things up. I'm truly so tired of my own bullshit that it's not funny. Not only did I get myself upset enough to screw up what could have been a productive night, I let my anger and frustration carry over to my daughter and my boyfriend and the heavy weights stressed my fucking neck muscles out. Now I have a spastic neck on top of a guilty conscience. 
I'm so done with myself. It has to stop and the only person who can stop it is me. I enjoyed my marathon squat session on Saturday. I kept the weight low, did massive amounts of squats and felt really good both physically and mentally. After last night I feel like a steaming pile of shit inside and out. 
I get so frustrated with lifting sometimes and there are days when I swear Im never doing it again. But when I allow it to be fun, I enjoy it! When I turn it into a chore, I hate the hell out of it. I may never hit the goals that maybe I once could - I don't really care anymore. I just want to be healthy and relatively strong. However I go about that, it HAS TO BE MY OWN WAY. That's the way I function best. That may be right wrong or meaningless, but that's just the way it is. 
Tonight I have obligations at my daughter's school so there will be no training. Tomorrow, I'm doing what I want, in the way I want it. I have a feeling that's how I'll make progress.