Sink Or Swim

Instead of my standard blog format, I'm going to give a glimpse inside my mind as my workout progressed this morning. I decided I would do my beloved "Coyote" workout. For those not in the know, that workout consists simply of 20 sets of 15 KB swings, 5 goblet squats, 3 pushups. I used my 35lb KB today. Without further ado, here we go:

Start time 8:27 am

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - Well this sucks"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I can't believe I can't believe I'm this pathetic"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "This sucks"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "There's no way I'm doing all 20 sets"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups -"I'm dying"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I used to be able to do this so easily"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I'll just do half of it"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "If I only do half then I suck"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I can't fucking breathe"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I'm dying even harder now"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "ugh"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I have to walk what I talk"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I can't"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "this is deep water"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "Come too far to turn back now"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I might be able to do this"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "Slowing but still going"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "Almost there"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "I can see the finish line"

15 swings, 5 squats, 3 pushups - "Thank the Gods it's over"

End time 9:05 am

Total elapsed time: 38 minutes

9:06 Heart rate 125bpm

9:10 heart rate 107bpm

••••••••••

     So that was less than fun. However, I am glad that I did it and proud of myself for getting through the entire thing. I can't tell you how much your inner dialogue plays into your training. You have to be honest with yourself and you have to hold your own feet to the fire. I read an article somewhere about how your brain will tell you that you can't go any further before you're actually done physically. It's a form of self preservation. You have to realize that and tell yourself to keep going, especially if you're working out by yourself. What benefit would it have been to myself if I let myself quit after the fourth set? It's obvious that I had a lot more in me. That was just the initial panic of brain realizing we were doing something that would be extremely stressful. I relate it to when you jump into a cold pool or pond and you reflexively take that deep deep breathe and then start hyperventilating. You have to tell your mind to calm down and breathe slow. Then the water doesn't seem so bad - it was just the initial shock. 

     There was also something I read called the Deep Water Method. I read about it awhile ago and I never implemented the actual program. The idea of it has stuck with me though. It's about the mental game that goes hand in hand with the physical one. Going back to the idea of jumping into a pond for a minute will help you understand it. Think about jumping in and swimming to the other side. You start out and it's not so bad, it's tiring, but doable. As you get further out, the water is getting deeper and you're getting more tired. Do you go back? Nah, you keep going. Well eventually, you get to the deepest part of the pond and you're fricking dying. You're struggling and now you're screwed because you can't touch the bottom and to swim back to shore would be more work than reaching the opposite shore. But damn, you are spent! You have no choice, you have to keep going. Period. So you do. You push and push and sucking wind and swear and grit your teeth and push some more and by the Gods, you reach that other shore. At one point you were absolutely positive that you could not go on. You were going to drown and sink. But you didn't. That is the idea behind the deep water method. You intentionally put yourself in deep water. Lovely isn't it? OK, maybe not lovely, but it works.

     I'm going to switch things up I think and play with kettlebells for a few weeks. I'll come back to this workout every so often and see how I improve on it. Right now, I'm hungry. This is the best part of my workout - refueling!

All You Need Is Patience

DB BENCH:

(5 sec. Eccentric, 5 sec pause) 25lb x5

25lb x5

(5 sec. Eccentric, 5 sec pause) 25lb x5

••••••••••

BENCH:

65lb x10

(115lb x5) 3x

••••••••••

INCLINED BENCH:

(65lb x6) 2x

••••••••••

SKULL CRUSHER:

(45lb x10)

••••••••••

     After roughly a month, I actually lifted some weights. No sweat was broken, no records set, no reason to boast. Just some movement that I needed both physically and mentally. We went slow and we went easy. I can't say that I am happy that I worked out but I'm at the very least, not disappointed in myself for letting another day slip by. 

     You know what I miss? Actually enjoying lifting weights. It has become such an obnoxious chore. Some days I catch a little of the old spark again, and those are the good days. Some days, the fire is out, the kindling is wet and there isn't anything giving off sparks. It's those latter days that are in abundance. Of course, I'm probably the biggest reason that it's become such a chore. I put so much pressure on myself to find a program, stick to the program, make the damn progress and make it big! I find myself lately asking "why?" 

     I want to be strong, that's a given, but why am I putting such an inordinate amount of pressure on myself to be so structured and disciplined? I'm not a professional. I'm not going into any comps (those days are long gone). I'm not inspiring anyone to reach for the stars. So what the fuck is my issue? Why does it seem nearly impossible to me to just bench, squat, press & deadlift? Why do I get insanely pissed off if I don't make a PR every week? 

     Unfortunately, I didn't start lifting until my mid thirties; certainly not an ideal time. I wish I had started sooner. I wish I hadn't been so stupid and let my inner voice be squashed so easily. You know what they say though - wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first. I can't go back and change that. The reality is, I started late and that means that my body is not going to react the same to training as someone half my age. Yet, here I am, expecting just that. My body hurts so bad some days and I still beat myself up for it, as though I'm just not trying hard enough to be better. I have to stop that. I have to. Because if I don't, I will drive myself insane.

     Now, that is not to say that I am putting forth 100% effort. I'm obviously not. I have things that I can improve on with my diet and my consistency. I have to recognize though that I also need to work on having a bit more patience with myself. That may be the hardest thing I can change about myself but I will try. As always, I won't quit. I'll take a breather and then get back in the fight. 

We're Not Strong All The Time

     It's been about 20 days since I worked out. So much for the friggin discipline. I have no concrete answer as to why. It's really the same old bullshit mental issues. I'm scattered, frustrated, depressed, anxious. All of those things and more. The weight room is once again being used as a junk room, but honestly, I hadn't worked out even before we put shit there. I'm up 7 pounds, but if I weigh myself again in a few days, I guarantee I'll be down about 4 pounds. This roller coaster fucking sucks. 

     I don't seek a doctor's advice anymore for a couple of reasons; the first being that I have no insurance. The second reason is that of all the times I've gone to a doctor to have issues addressed, they weren't. Plain and simple. You're getting older, lose weight. That was how anything was addressed. Some issues were even brought on by going to the doctor. If I still had my goddamn ovary, I wouldn't be in this nightmarish hormonal shit show right now. My neck and back are in agony every fucking day, I don't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and by the time 5pm rolls around, I'm falling asleep on the couch. My brain is foggy all the time and I can't concentrate to save my life. I tried reading a book the other day and couldn't get past a few paragraphs without losing focus. I gave up. Any and all pride I had in keeping to my program went out the window about 18 days ago so now I have a load of guilt that would make Atlas shudder. I don't know. I'm floundering at the moment and I see no solution. 

     One thing I have come to realize is that I simply cannot focus on as many things as I would like to. I have my weightlifting and this blog. I have my crafting page on facebook and the Etsy shop that goes along with it, plus I have projects I need to do around the house (bathroom repairs and things like that), plus I have just general things to keep the house going. I feel like I'm stretching myself too thin, but on the other hand I feel as though I'm never doing enough. I'm thinking of writing more on my other blog again. I'm wondering if I use that as a place to vent, I can get some of this anxiety out of my head. 

     All I can do is take things one day at a time. Strength has always been a trifold subject for me - mind, body & spirit. I'm screwing up all 3 at the moment and that is not a sustainable way of life for me. 

So, yeah. There ya have it. Lots of issues, a shit ton of anxiety and no visible solutions. WOOO! So pumped right now......

Not So Skinny Dipping

WARM UP

BENCH:

65lb 1.5 rep x10

65lb x10

••••••••••

MAIN LIFT

BENCH:

(115lb x3) 10x

SUPPLEMENTAL LIFT

SEATED DB O.H.:

(25lb x5) 3x

••••••••••

ACCESSORIES

PRONE REVERSE DB FLY:

(25lb x6, 15lb x10) 2x

(15lb x12) 3x

HAMMER CURLS:

25lb x5 (alternating)

[25lb x6 (simultaneous)] 4x

BENCH DIPS:

5x10

••••••••••

It was a good stress reliever tonight. The past week or so has not been good because of some devastating family illness. I can't say that we're past it because that's just not possible, but we are working through it. I was supposed to only hit 97.5lbs on the bench sets tonight but I upped it to 115lb because I want to make more progress than I have been. The weight felt good and I'm glad I did it. The 25lb db presses felt good too. I got full depth on all of them and they all moved smoothly. The only thing that sucked were the damn dips. I suppose if I wasn't so overweight they would be easier. Don't let anyone tell you that body weight equals easy. At least my body weight doesn't!