Proof

     I was feeling pretty crappy tonight; down yet again with another virus thingy. I can barely breathe without coughing and I'm pretty sure I'm producing record-setting amounts of mucous, so I wasn't thrilled about training tonight. However, my confidence suffered a blow last night when I tried to do some crazy pushup challenge and failed (by my standards) miserably. 
    Now, you say, so what? It was a challenge that you couldn't do, get over it. But to my over-thinking, over-analyzing, unrealistic brain it made me question absolutely everything that I've been doing. I questioned whether I had wasted my time trying to live out a dream at my ripe old age of 39. Do I really think deaaadlifting 400lbs is doable if i can't push my own weight? I questioned whether I was, for lack of a better term, a fraud. There are some people that consider me strong, but how strong can I really be if I can't do 4 minutes of slow pushups? I questioned my drive. Did I really just give up on a 4 minute challenge when I used to workout for an hour a day, 5 days a week? 
     Showing up at the gym tonight was about proving to myself that I was still "in the game". I've learned to accept the fact that life forces us to duck and weave, adapt, compromise. I've accepted the fact that a rigid schedule just isn't realistic for me, and that's  OK. what I cannot and will not accept is me floating by on past accomplishments, reputation, or half truths. If I tell someone that I am training to be a strongwoman, then gods damn it, that's what I need to do. If someone speaks of me and says how they admire my drive, then I better damn well show up and drive when I don't feel like it. 
     Maybe it's wrong for me to think so much, put so much emphasis and meaning into such small moments,  but this is how I am. And tonight I learned I am still in the game. I'd say that now I can rest easy, but that would be a lie. I still have to think about why my form was sucking ass tonight on bench press. ;-)