Intentions Need Action

Sumo inchworms x10
Yoga pushups x30
[20lb KB swing x15 / 20lb KB goblet squat x5 / 20lb KB Press x3 ea arm] 5x 
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Sumo inchworms x10
[Renegade rows (body weight only) x10] 3x 
[Swings / squats / press] 5x
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     My plan for the night was to do the coyote routine which is 15 swings, 5 squats and 3 pushups for 20 sets. I decided to tweak it though because my hip was feeling a little "ify". So I did the inchworms which gave me a good stretch and the pushups and renegade rows engaged my core fairly well. The other stuff speaks for itself.
     I'm pleased that I managed what I did. The swings brought a little soreness but the squats felt fine. I was going to push and do another set, but I decided to call it a night. I'm also please that I was able to get this workout in. It was a crazy hectic night but even this little bit has helped release some frustration. Moreover,  it's helped to drive home the fact that talk is cheap and intentions mean absolutely nothing without the action to make them a reality.  It's good to be back at this business of building a body for myself.

Deja Vu

KB swings:
[20lbs x20] 5x 
KB Clean & Press:
[20lbs x5 ea arm] 5x 
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     It seems like I've been here before - swinging a 20lb kettlebell like it's the heaviest thing I've ever lifted. Only this time it's me swinging a kettlebell knowing that it isn't the heaviest thing that I've lifted. This time it's me knowing I need to start over and so I am. 
     I did a large amount of yard work yesterday that included pushing a mower, watering the garden, building trellises and cutting brush.  I was bending, lifting, pushing, pulling and I felt pretty good. So I decided that today would be the day I get back in the game. It's time. So while this may not seem like a lot to some, and I admit that really it isn't, to me it's  a major step in proving to myself that I can still have my dreams and still be the person I want to be.
     There's still quite a bit of soreness and stiffness, especially after sitting for awhile.  This makes work so very enjoyable during the week,  but I've felt some progress and that has me optimistic. I'm sore now, just from that little bit that I did. My ego wanted me to push and do more, to "prove" that I could.  My brain wanted me to stop and let my muscles become reactivated to working. I sided with my brain and for that, I'm grateful.       A long road ahead, to be certain.  I plan on traveling slowly and steadfastly.  A little part of me is excited to start again, to have to relearn some things and put some new knowledge into play. I am a living experiment and the outcome is anyone's guess. 

Just Keep Swimming

     I suppose if nothing else, this journey of mine will be a good example of how not to quit. I may never be a huge force in strongwoman or lifting (the chances of that were slimmer than a supermodel on the Atkins diet anyhow), I may never even get into a competition even on a local basis, but what I will do is persevere. Maybe that's a more important outcome. No, not maybe, definitely.

     I'll be the first to bitch and complain when things don't go the way I planned. I'll be the first to get angry with myself for my shortcomings and the things that I see as failures. I will also be the first to admit to my weaknesses. Like so many other things there's a double-edged sword there right? Being hard on myself sometimes keeps me from seeing the progress that I've surely made. But on the upside, it pushes me. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I KNOW I can achieve. I have a drive to be better both physically and mentally than the average human. There are enough average people on the attendance rolls of the human race, I don't want my name to be there. 

     We all have different belief systems, so I won't push my agenda there, however, I do believe that my Gods are teaching me a lesson here. I was talking to a friend the other day about how helping people is very important to us. It led me to thinking that helping is the reason that some of us seem to face more hardships than others. If we are on the path of being learners and then teachers, seers and guiders, then we need to have some sort of knowledge base to pull from. That knowledge is never gifted in an easy fashion. These trials and tribulations are the price we pay for that gift. They are the way we (hopefully) gain knowledge and in time, wisdom that we can pass on to help those that cross our paths. This latest injury is building my knowledge base. 

     Dealing with this nagging SI joint dysfunction has forced me to learn what parts of my anatomy need help. It's forcing me to research what movements are helpful, what movements are not and which ones I need to try out. It's forcing me to learn patience because I have to basically start over on my core and get that fucker strong. It's forcing me to strengthen my resolve to persevere. Lifting heavy things will make you physically stronger. Lifting heavy things will make you physically more capable. Lifting heavy things will make you mentally stronger and mentally more capable of catching the curve balls that life throws at you and throwing them back with a vengeance. I am reminded, yet again of a poem I wrote a while back during a rough patch I was going through. So I'll post it here to give myself a boost. I have come a long way and I have a long way to go. I may need to take some time and just float for awhile, get my energy back, heal up, fill my reserves, but then I'll swim again. To borrow from another sea creature "just keep swimming"

THE OTTER SHALL SWIM

The Otter shall swim

in the ocean of time.

Warmed and comforted by its deep waters.

Timeless and forever in its movement

it shall carry her effortlessly in its current.

Swift moving and straight;

swirling and tumultuous; 

the ocean has its reasons.

Trusting, the Otter never questions.

She rolls with each new wave;

made stronger and more agile

with every twist and turn.

The choice to the Otter is constant;

swim with the ocean's unpredictable will

or sink to its depths in the murk.

Adventure lies in the swimming.

Knowledge lies in each white cap.

Nothing more than ending lies in the sinking.

The Otter shall swim.

Yet Again

Started off with 50lb DB shrugs x50
Then it just went to shit from there. Back/hip pain was back, muscles were tight and painful and basically I'm right back where I was. I regret ever going to the chiropractor because it seems as if it's done nothing but make me more prone to staying weak. 
So, that's it. I have no solution, I have no idea anymore what direction to take. I'm disappointed, frustrated and bummed  

Stay Positive

50lb DB shrugs x30
40lb DB shrugs x20
30lb DB shrugs x20
20lb DB shrug/row x20
10lb DB shrug/T x20
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BENCH:
Everything was with a wide grip
Bar x20 / 45 KB Suppinated rows  x5 ea.
65lb x15 / rows x5 ea
[95lb x8 / rows x5 ea] 3x
95lb x6 / rows x5 ea
65lb x14 / rows x5 ea
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PRESS:
Bar x10 (strict press for 7)
65lb push press x10 
75lb push press x8
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PULLOVERS:
Flat on mat, legs bent
25lb rogue plate x15
35lb rogue plate x15
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50lb DB rows x20 ea
[Fat guy pullups x3] 5x 
[Fat guy chin ups x2] 5x 
[Speed pushups x2] 6x (I think)
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     So the pain has reared its ugly head again. I'm not surprised, but I'm still a bit disappointed. As I'm typing this now, after getting a night's sleep, I can say that the pain is still way less than at other times, but more than last week. I'm going to try to remember to stretch every 45 minutes today while I'm here at work to keep things from tightening up and twisting me. 
     I'm not sure why the pain came back the way it did. I suspect fighting with my uncomfortable chair all day had a wee bit to do with it; I felt tight all day. Today I'll also try to make sure I sit tall and no slouching, although at times it's an uphill battle in this shitty office chair. But no excuses! I should be able to handle sitting correctly and stretching and if I can't do that I really don't deserve to call myself strong. 
     I'm upset that I didn't finish some of the reps that I should have, upset that I felt weak after feeling strong the previous sessions. However, I know that it falls within the rhythm of life. Not every day can be killed. Sometimes we have to settle for poking it in the eye with a stick. Justin told me to stay positive, so I will. I'm positive that I shall not be kept down. Onwards and upwards....

It's Like Homecoming

55lb KB shrugs x50
45lb KB partial squats x15 (I think)
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SQUATS:
Front squat / back squat
Bar x10 ea 
55lb x8 ea
65lb x6 ea
75lb x4 ea
80lb x3 ea
95lb x2 ea
BACK SQUATS:
[ Bar, narrow srance, x5] 5x 
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KB PARTIAL SQUATS:
55lb x10
45lb x12
35lb x15
20lb x20
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WALKING LUNGES:
20lb KB x6 ea leg
35lb KB x6 ea
45lb KB x6 ea
55lb KB x6 ea
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BACK LUNGE  (DB, total weight given)
30lb x10 ea
40lb x8 ea
50lb x6 ea
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DB RDL:
30lb (total) x30
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Reverse hypers
Hanging knee raises x10
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Floating on a god damned cloud right now! Back pain/tightness is minimal tonight. I haven't squated 95lb like this in a very long time. Depth isn't ass to grass, but most were parallel or a smidge below. I'm so happy with this progress! Even the walking lunges, holding the kettlebell at chest height didn't bring the pain that it has been. For Christ's sake I carried the 55lb bell for 40' with no pain! 
So tonight I left the gym with legs feeling like noodles and a sore ass, but my back is just tight. I'll take it. I'll take it all day long!

So Glad To Be Back!

50lb DB shrugs x50
40lb DB shrugs x40
30lb DB shrugs x30
20lb DB shrugs x20
10lb Side raises x10
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Empty bar work:
Strict press x10
Behind the head x10
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BENCH:
Bar x10
65lb 4/1 x3
65lb 4/1 x3 wide grip
Everything from here out was wide grip (unless noted)
85lb 4/1 x3
95lb 4/1 x1 immediate full bench x1
105lb 4/1 x1 immediate full x1
115lb 4/1 x1 immediate full x1
135lb w/4" roller x2
140lb w/roller x2
145lb w/roller x2
155lb w/roller x2
65lb wide x15
65lb narrow x8
Bar wide x10
Bar narrow x18
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TIMED DB WORK 45 SECONDS EA. :
(I forget the actual counts so I'm not even going to put them here)
20lb inclined bench
20lb seated bench
20lb side raises
20lb bent rows
O.H. 20lb tri ext (1 db, 2 hands)
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TIMED MAT WORK 45 SECONDS EA. :
Push ups
Renegade rows (no weights)
Plank push ups
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     I'm over the top happy with tonight. Not only am I happy that I hit 155lbs after 6 months of not going anywhere near that heavy,  but I have very little actual back pain! I essentially deadlifted 100lbs to lift those 50lb DB and there was no pain! None. Tonight was the first night in months that I could touch my toes after training without feeling like my spine would snap. Tonight was the first night in months that I didn't have to stand with hot water on my back in the shower just to move freely. 
     I'm not sure if any of you will truly understand what it feels like to have pain lifted off of you after months and months of near constant I'm jury and strain. It's  freeing. I feel rejuvenated and energized and strong. I'm not 100% pain free but what's left is totally manageable.  I feel lighter.
     I have no idea if this last tweak at the chiropractor did the trick,  if the time off from lifting did it or even the work I was doing in the yard helped. Maybe it was all of that. I don't even know if this will last. But while I have the momentum I'm going to run with it. I won't do anything stupid to risk this healing that's going on, but I feel like I can push a little more to regain some footing that I lost. Tonight, I feel like I made up more than a few steps. 

Road Trip

     I haven't been to the gym in about a week and a half. Thankfully, this wasn't because I was injured but because at the moment, life is too hectic. Between work, packing, moving boxes, reorganizing our new place and merging 2 separate households and being a mom, something had to take a backseat and that "thing" was my training. I can't even say that I was diligent at training at home. I'm admitting that maybe I should have done more. I'm going to slide by with the fact that I was tilling a garden with a garden fork, weeding overgrown flower beds all on my hands and knees, and lifting totes and moving furniture. With all that being said, I did, however, make strides to get back on track  with my eating. I'm still trying low carb, but I NEED my fruit. So I'm allowing myself to eat that. I figure that's still better than shoving a candy bar down my throat. I'm also allowing myself to have a coke today; actually for health reasons. Yes, you read that right. I have a wicked migraine that refuses to cooperate and along with that comes a massive craving for coke. I don't know the exact reason, I just know it helps. If you've never dealt with a migraine, then don't judge. 
     Seeing as how I have no real training log to share, it's a good time for some more introspective shit. You know the Otter is always down to get deep and all philosophical on you and as always, I managed to learn a lesson from all this chaos.
I'm not the type of person that enjoys chaos and upheaval. You would think that means my life is as smooth as the placid waters of a tropical lagoon. Yeah, no. My life usually contains the swirling, debris-cluttered winds of a tornado. At least, that's what it seems like to me, but the more I think about it, I think those whipping winds are only on the inside. I manage to make things look pretty ok, I think. I like to have things ordered and neat and organized but at this point in time, nothing is ordered. My little schedule that had finally fallen into place has been blown apart and that takes some major adjusting on my part. 
     I know that I can get somewhat obsessive about when things HAVE to be done. I get caught up in my schedule and plan and any deviation from that plan always threw me for a frickin loop. I saw it when my back interfered in my plans for strongwoman plans. I was so strict about following "my plan" that I wasn't able to step back and see the bigger picture. After a few panic attacks (alone in the darkness while everyone was sleeping) I managed to get my emotional wreck of a brain to stop and to listen to Mr. Logic. I looked at things on the grander scale and realized I was still working towards my goal, I just needed to adjust the road that I was taking. 
     It's the same thing with my diet. I stepped back and understood that there would be times that I would fall off of the wagon, and fall hard. I made the effort to realize that I could get back up and chase that damn wagon down and hop back on. I had to remind myself that I'm doing all this for the long haul and the end is still a very, very long way off. I've barely even begun. In the grand scheme of things, a week off from formal training isn't going to kill me. Maybe it actually gave me some needed healing time too, both physically and mentally. I reminded myself that obsession and drive are two very different things. Drive will last and endure and burns low and white hot. Obsession is fleeting, it's a flash of heat that dissipates as quickly as it flared. I choose to be driven, not obsessed.
     I've also learned to make allowances in some areas. I will never allow weakness, but sometimes that's too hard of an approach. I know we've all seen the women that say that you can and should be able to do it all - be a mom, work full time, save the planet, train for an hour each day. It's just bullshit, plain and simple. there are 24 hours in each day that we have and while some macho badasses want to claim that you don't need sleep, I have to disagree. I allowed myself to be human. With that comes all the downsides of being human - I need sleep, I make mistakes and I am not perfect. To those of you who are, I take my hat off to you. 
     I've taken some of the pressure off of myself and I have to say that it feels good. I want to be able to enjoy this journey and not just rush through it to say that I did it. Enjoyment was something that I was beginning to forget in the pursuit of "perfection".
     Tomorrow I hit the gym again and it will be good to get back. It's good to feel tat physical effort and then exhaustion, it's good to see my trainer and interact with him and it's good to know that I'm once again, moving on this road to being strong. The road trip continues and it continues with a renewed sense of fun.