It's A Small Thing

Warm up
●●●●●●●●●●
"TIGHTROPE " WORK:
All of these movements done on my toes along a seam in the mat area. Each pass is about 20'
Toe walk x2
Large step walk x2
Walking lunge x2
Side shuffle x1 ea side
Single leg hop x1 ea side
Then 2 passes each of 4 different agility movements. They're too hard to describe but it's a lot of weaving and switching feet.
●●●●●●●●●●
SQUATS:
[front squat  (bar) x5 / strict press (bar) x5 / 45lb KB RDL x10 ] x4
Press x20 (14 strict, 6 w/leg drive)
[Front squats x3] x6 and 2 more to make 20
Partial front squats x20
●●●●●●●●●●
[Mountain climbers with PVC hand grips x10 ea leg] 5x
[Feet on ball, PVC hand grips, reverse mountain climbers x10 ea leg ] 5x
12" step ups x5 ea leg
●●●●●●●●●●
BOX SQUATS:
holding 12lb rogue ball at chest level x10
Ball overhead x10
Back to chest level x10
Ball about midway out x10
Ball at full arm length x10
Ball starting low and bringing overhead into squat x10
●●●●●●●●●●
[Calf raises with 100lbs of chains on bar x10] 3x
Calf raises, empty bar x30
●●●●●●●●●●
Reverse hypers and stretching to finish
●●●●●●●●●●
100lb calf raises are not really that big of a deal, but that's the most weight I've had on my back in quite a long time. It's another good sign that I'm not totally out of the game. I've been knocked back a bit, but I know that I'm 100% capable of returning to where I was and then some. 100lbs this week, maybe 105 next. ;)

I'm Willing

40lb DB shrugs x40
●●●●●●●●●●
BENCH:
Bar x20
Bar 4/1 x10, no rack, x20 regular pace
Orange band low face pulls x10
65lb 45 seconds (x16) / face pulls x10
70lb 45 sec (x13)  / f.p. x10
75lb 45 sec (x14) / f.p. x10
85lb 45 sec (x10) / f.p. x10
95lb 45 sec (7.5) / f.p. x10
The last rep I needed assistance
65lb 45 sec (x16)
Bar 45 sec (x17)
●●●●●●●●●●
DB INCLINED BENCH:
Bench x5 / fat guy pull ups x5
15lb, 20lb, 25lb, 30lb 
35lb  (with assistance)
15lb x25 (no pull ups)
(Push ups x5) 5x
●●●●●●●●●●
(Nearly flat) o.h. plate tricep extensions
25lb x10
15lb x20
10lb x30
●●●●●●●●●●
DIPS:
Hands on 18" box, feet on bench x6
Pushups x6
Dips (same set up) w/40lb weighted vest on lap x3
No vest x3
Hands on bench, feet on floor x6
●●●●●●●●●●
Plank side shuffle 10' x2, 1 pushup
Ladder up to 5 push ups
●●●●●●●●●●
     A very good night at the gym. My back is actually feeling better after Sunday's little mishap. I'm taking the shorter recovery time as a positive (I take the positives where I can find them). I felt strong tonight, not super human and not at the level I was, but strong nonetheless. 
     I told Justin that I am willing myself to get better. Mindset is super important and I think, sometimes, we allow ourselves to get sucked into the medical loop of ailments that have no end. I think back to 3 years ago when I struggled with a lot of things, a lot of aches and pains and it pushes me to get past this. I didn't put in all that hard work to simply watch it vanish. 
     So I am WILLING  my injury to heal, my muscles to get stronger and my spirit to burn hot. Simple as that.
     

Valley

Saturday my back was feeling pretty damn good. I worked in the garden, turning soil over and pulling weeds and while there was a little soreness,  there was no major discomfort or stabbing pains. I felt enthusiastic about that, really. It was a good feeling to be able to move almost like I used to be.
     Saturday night I did some core exercises. They were as follows:
Gluten bridges x10 
Single leg gluten bridge x8 ea
Plank (forearms) 30 sec x2
Side plank 30 sec x2, ea side
3 point plank 15 sec x4 ea side
That circuit was performed twice. On the second go round, the regular planks were done with one of the 30 second holds done with Emily laying on my back. She's about 60lbs. 
     Then Sunday happened.
     We were all goofing around, having a great day when I tried to ride a mini bike. It got away from me and in the process I tweaked my back. Bad. That horrible pain, muscle spasms,  sore to touch. I feel like an asshole again for a lot of reasons. I'm embarrassed that I couldn't ride a mini bike for one, but I'm angry at myself for getting hurt doing something that shouldn't cause this pain. I'm upset that, once again, I feel like possibilities are slipping away from me. I want to give up. I more than likely won't,  but I feel like it.
     I don't give a damn about my diet anymore,  I don't give 2 shits about what I'm eating. I feel like I'm drowning  and I need to focus on being able to move pain free. So for right now, I'm eating what I want and like I used to. 
     I want to be able to do what I used to do, and that includes sneezing without horrific pain. I'm at a low point right now, big time. I've been through enough to know that this is probably temporary,  but I'm tired of it.
     Anyhow. Let's see how long it takes to feel better. I'm going to the gym tomorrow come hel or high water.  Updates will follow.  

What's Your Excuse?

     I did a facebook post on this yesterday, but I'm hoping to expand on it here. I know this is supposed to be my fitness blog, but I think it ties into my own personal journey. So away we go.....
     I was standing in line at the grocery store and just had to snap a picture of this rag.

     This publication has been around for decades. I can remember my mother reading it when I was young and I'm 39 now. There was just so much wrong with this cover that I couldn't resist taking the picture. I was already agitated and I'd only looked at it for about 13 seconds. The biggest headline isn't the fact that Victoria lost 186lbs., it's that you can apparently "melt 14lbs. a week". I'm curious as to how you'd do this. I can think of one way and that's by being deathly ill. It's simply not healthy to lose that amount of weight in one week, I don't care what magazines or T.V. shows tell you. Usually a weight loss of 1-2lbs. is considered normal through diet and exercise. It can be more depending on what you're doing and usually that ends up being water weight. But 14?! Come on!
     We then go on to learn that we can melt belly fat with a spice. OOOOOO! Really?  Well hell, that sounds a lot easier than working my ass off with weight training. Just when I thought I couldn't get any more excited, they tell me I can cure cellutlite with a pill! WOW-WEE! I didn't even know cellulite was a disease, let alone there was a cure for it. Here I was, all dumb and shit, thinking that it was a type of fat, and the only way to MINIMIZE its appearance was once again through hard work. Boy, I'll tell ya, if nothing else, this magazine has made me realize just how uninformed and uneducated I truly am. Thank you Woman's world for opening my eyes. 
     OK, can you sense my attitude here? It's one of frustrated disbelief. I cannot believe that in 2016 women still fall for this shit. Nothing on this cover says anything about getting stronger or more capable. I bet you dollars to doughnuts that 'ole Victoria up there is as flabby and jiggly as she ever was at 300 and some odd pounds. Especially if all she was doing was walking and eating a frickin spice (which, by the way, I highly doubt). I begin to wonder, as well, why women got themselves into the spot of being a target for all this bullshit. Yes, I put the blame squarely on our shoulders because we can go back to medieval times and map out how men were in charge and kept us under control, yadda yadda yadda, but at some point we became strong enough to expect better. Women expect to be taken seriously so how is this stupidity still being accepted? I challenge you to pick up a men's magazine and find the same amount of quasi-medical information in it. I know there are still some scams that are geared toward men, but on a whole, I would bet that women take the brunt of it. That leads to the fact, however, that they must fall for it because these magazines sell.
     It also led me to a discussion this morning about mental toughness. I think if someone is grasping at this drivel to lose weight, then they are weak and simply looking for the easy way out. I was told that, no, it's because women are desperate. Well, to me, that's pretty much the same thing. You'll hear so many excuses why someone can't lose weight - no time, no money, they're "depressed" and have no motivation, nobody understands how hard it is. On and on and on. I'm a very imperfect person but one thing I've learned along my journey over the past few years is that excuses are BULLSHIT; each and every one of them.
     I was depressed. Not to the point of hurting myself, although the thought crossed my mind once or twice, but I got pretty low. No one pulled me out of that except myself. No doctors, no drugs, just me; me and some iron and old fashioned work. I made a choice to change and not just to lose weight, but to get strong and healthy. I made the decision to get myself to match the vision I had always had of myself ever since I was a little kid. I'm still working towards it, but I'm closer now than ever. Inside and out I changed. My will got stronger, my mindset got stronger, my body followed suit. There were days when I would be in tears halfway through a workout because I was so incredibly sad and empty and had absolutely no desire to continue. But I did. Days when my mind hurt and my heart felt nonexistent made it difficult to stay motivated, but I pushed on. Days when I hated the fact that I was lifting and hurting, but I carried through with it. So please don't tell me how hard it is. I know. 
     Have no money? Last I checked everyone has a body and body weight exercises are some of the best ways to get in shape. Think you don't have enough room? If you can lie on the floor and stretch your arms, you have ample room and on good days, take your ass outside and work out. And one more word on the whole depression bandwagon: weight training and working out increase the "feel good" chemicals in your brain. Just FYI. Proven fact.
     Mental fortitude is something that's taken a serious hit over the past decade or so and I'm not sure why. Lots of reasons I suppose and we could discuss it for hours. Preferably over a beer or two and some good food.  All I know is that it sickens me to my core to see weakness so widespread. Why no one wants to be healthy and strong now so that they won't be frail little elderly people that can't fend for themselves is beyond me. I want to be that old woman that's still out gardening and mowing her lawn when she's 80. I don't want to be dependent on my daughter to help me live my day to day life. I want to be strong and so I will be. And I don't want to listen to weak ass, bitchy excuses from people as to why they can't be. Suck it up, buttercup and either join in the games or get out of the way and let the badasses through. We have shit that needs doin'. ;)

Blisters Make Me Happy

Warm up stuff
●●●●●●●●●●
Reverse hyper :
Hang, easy swings
Hamstring / low back stretch
Arm hangs with small leg circles
●●●●●●●●●●
TIRE DRAG:
(Approx. 175lbs including the chain & handle)
One arm side drag about 50' ea arm
10 body squats
One arm behind the back drag about 50'
10 body squats
2 arm behind the back drag about 100'
10 body squats 
2 arm backwards drag about 100' 
The 2 arm drags were done with cloth grips
●●●●●●●●●●
[Press x10 (bar) / squat x3 (bar) / hanging knee raises x5] 3x
Walking lunges x12 ea leg
Strict Press 65lb x3 / squat x3 / H.K.R. x5
S.P. x4 / squat x3 / H.K.R. x5
S.P. x5 / squat x3 / H.K.R x5
S.P. x6 / squat x3 / H.K.R. x5
Strict Press, bar x10
20lb DB strict press x10 (not all at once) H.K.R. x5
15lb DB s.p. x10 / H.K.R x5
12lb DB s.p. x10 / H.K.R. x5 
Bar press w/leg drive x10
12lb DB x10 / Fat guy pull ups x10
15lb DB x10 / F.G.P. x10
20lb DB x10 / F.G.P. x13 (feet flat on floor)
●●●●●●●●●●
12" step ups w/ T raise:
8lb x15 ea leg
10lb x12 ea leg
15lb x10 ea leg
●●●●●●●●●●
30lb DB calf raise/shrug x50
●●●●●●●●●●
     We tried DB RDL's, but there was uncomfortable pain so we did the calf raise/shrugs instead.
     The hanging knee raises were done from the squat rack which is square tubing, slick, and a pain on the ass to grip - an excellent workout for your grip and forearms and also an excellent way to bring up some new blisters. Yes, that's makes me happy because I haven't had blisters in almost a year. I don't know, it means something to me. It means hard work. It means pushing through discomfort. It means strength being earned. To someone who, as of late, has felt weak and inadequate,  these blisters were a breath of fresh air and like a returning home. Weird, I know, but I never said I was normal. 
     There's still disappointment in not being able to squat correctly, especially when I can remember squatting 185lb and doing power lockouts with over 300lb. Now, I'm reduced to shallow squats at 65lbs, but I suppose there's something to be said for me still squatting at all.  I know there have been more than a few times that I could have given up, and more than a few times when I wanted to. I'm glad I didn't,  haven't,  and won't.  A little story for you: 
     Tuesday night, bench night, I looked up from under the bar and Emily was sitting on a stack of rogue plates by my feet. I hadn't known she was there watching. I sat up and tried to give her a smooch but she laughed and told me "no sweaty kisses". The feeling of knowing she saw me working, saw me sweating, even though I have the issues I do, is one of the most powerful feelings I could ever have to motivate me. How could I quit with that little girl watching? Even when she isn't physically with me, she's there pushing me and making me strong. I will push (sensibly) for Em. 

Song of the day right here. NEVER QUIT!

The Difference Between 100% and 110%

Warm up stuff
●●●●●●●●●●
Reverse hypers +20lbs x30
Hanging knee raises x30
●●●●●●●●●●
BENCH:
Unrack and hold 135lbs  approx. 15 seconds 
35lb DB shrugs x30
Bar x10 slow (concentrating on pulling the bar apart)
65lb x5 fast, x3 slow, x2 regular pace
[65lb x3 fast, x3 slow] 2x
65lb x5 fast, x5 slow, x5 regular 
65lb x20
●●●●●●●●●●
O.H. PRESS / NARROW GRIP BENCH 45 SECONDS
(Both with empty bar)
x12 / x16
x10 / x17
x8 / x18
x6 / x18
O.H. Press, bar x20
●●●●●●●●●●
KB suitcase carry, approx 300 yards 90lb total
I put them down half way and then continued. This ended up bothering my back more than anything. So I hung off of the reverse hyper table to loosen things up before continuing.
●●●●●●●●●●
15lb DB alternating presses x12 ea arm
15lb standing o.h. tri ext x20
We tried to do 30lb (total) thrusters but my back wasn't having any of that after that carry. So we skipped that.
Tricep dips x10
10lb and 2.5lb shoulder scarecrows. 3 different movements x10 ea.
●●●●●●●●●●
     It's a wonderful feeling to be filling out a training blog tonight! I missed the gym. I missed working hard and giving it all I had. Tonight was an exercise in knowing that giving 100% should always outweigh giving 110%. Giving all you've got, leaving everything you have on the floor and no rep unfinished is an admirable goal. Giving more than you're physically capable of doing is dangerous. I gave 110% once and look where it got me!
     Tonight when I felt pain, I stopped. And I stopped k owing that I wasn't wimping out or being a turd, but I was being sensible and making sure I would be healthy enough to train another day.
     Does my back hurt right now? Yes. It's sore and the muscles are tight, but the pain is nowhere like it has been. I'm listening to what my body says and I'm being honest about that with not only Justin, but myself.  
     So now, I'll stretch some and then sleep and let my body grow and rest before Thursday's session. I am 100% done with today and 100% proud of what I accomplished.

The Fire

     The past week has felt like a year. I haven't been in the gym since Thursday, May 5 but tonight I head back in. I had pushed beyond the point that I should have and I paid dearly for that arrogance. I got my ego and my drive tangled up in a way that I shouldn't have and it set me back both physically and mentally.
     The Tuesday prior I over did it with presses. I believe we did 90 total? I admit, that was insane considering the pain I was in; not only insane but downright stupid. Then Thursday, I was in pain but thought I could work through it and I did with the measley little squats I was putting out. But the kicking....oh the kicking. Kicking a bag with full force was probably one of the single stupidest things I've done. I tried to hide it, not sure if Justin guessed the discomfort I was in, but he probably sensed it. I'm pretty sure he called me a stubborn pain in the ass, and he's right. Sometimes being stubborn is confused with being tenacious and I confused the shit out of those two things, and I suffered the consequence with joint pain and unbearable muscle spasms that felt as if they would torque my spine out of my body. I had no choice but to give in and let things rest. 
     I've said it to people before - listen to your body and let it heal when and if it needs to, but we all know how difficult it can be to take our own advice. I felt like an ass and a failure. I got depressed thinking about the dreams I'd have to give up. I got angry thinking about all the work I had done up until this point and how it seemed as if it had all been wasted. It got ugly inside this head of mine. I allowed myself to slump physically as well as mentally and that is NEVER a good combination. For me, as I'm sure for others, keeping your spirit high is super important when you're facing a physical setback. It's essential to not losing your fire, essential to keeping even the tiniest of flames burning while your physical body heals. You can't let your spirit weaken by thinking about what USED to be. You have to force your mind to focus on what is NOW and how in the world you're going to make it all happen. Because there should not be a doubt that it WILL happen.
     So it came as a comfort to me when in this morning's rune draw, I pulled kenaz. Kenaz is the rune of drive, spirit, inner fire. The rune of skill. Coupled with the fact that tonight is the first night back at the gym, it's a powerful sign that the heat has never left, the fire has never gone out and the passion never died. We all face storms. That's just how life is and it's how it should be. We have to build our fires hot enough and strong enough in fair weather that even when high winds and rain come, the fire never goes completely out. It may wither, it may dim, it may cool a bit, but when conditions are right, those flames will shoot skyward hotter than they ever have. Always be mindful of your spirit fire. Tend to it everyday making sure it's strong and the coals burn white hot. You'll not notice the heat when the weather's good, but when it turns, you'll be thankful for that warmth.

Rest

     Thursday night's training was, in my mind, a bust. I know Justin will feel differently, but compared to what I've done in the past, it was a beginner's session. The pain in my back is near to unbearable at this point so I did some squats with an empty bar, low reps and then mostly body weight and resistance band work. I feel like an asshole. I miss training heavy, I miss moving gross amounts of weight and lifting weird shit. I miss my boulders, my sand bag and my log. I miss deadlifting, I miss going for personal bests, I miss it all. I've been reduced to basic body weight movements and at times, even those are too much.
     My transition to a low carb diet is going well and I'm sure my frustration and crankiness can be blamed, in part, to that. I suppose even my fatigue could rest partially on that. But I also know that I'm tired of this pain; physically tired from hurting. 
     As much as I didn't want to, I've scheduled another appointment with my chiropractor for tomorrow and maybe I can get enough of a tweak  to get me to heal and get rid of this pain. I cannot and will not go every week. That's not the type of life I want to live and I've honestly questioned if I should have started this chiropractor stuff in the first place. I can't change the decisions that I've already made, but I sure as hel can change the ones that I make in future. 
     I won't be posting my food intake and macros every day, I'll keep track of them still in my notebook, but I see no need to add another chore to my list that's already overwhelmingly long. 
     I'm not sure if I'll be training at all this week. I've already pushed when I shouldn't have and fucked myself in the process; lesson learned (again), but I will be stretching at home. I'm the first one to preach about rest and recovery from injuries so maybe it's time that I took my own advice. I hate it, though, and I won't even lie about that. This whole debacle is putting me even further behind the eight ball. For right now, I need a break physically and mentally. My spirit is a bit clouded over at this point but I know that eventually those clouds will lift and the sun will warm everything again. 
Peace out. Updates soon.

Äta Keto

WEDNESDAY:
Breakfast: 4 eggs, 1 slice swiss, 2 slices deli chicken
1184 cal.
78.4g fat
6.08g carbs
100.64g protein
Coffee w/ half and half
40 cal
3g fat
1g carbs 
1g protein
Lunch: 2c spinach, 1/2 can chicken, 5 olives, 1/2 c green beans, 2 tbs ranch dressing
353 cal
18.2g fat
10.2g carbs
24.18g protein
Dinner: curry rubbed chicken thighs, green beans and cauliflower
1203 cal
79.7g fat
13.4g carbs
90.6g protein
DAILY TOTALS:
2908 cal
186.24g fat
32.86g carbs
231.1g protein
●●●●●●●●●●
THURSDAY:
Breakfast : 3 eggs, 2 slices swiss, 1 slice deli chicken, 1 bag almonds, coffee w/half & half
1297 cal
92.27g fat
9.75g carbs
99.32g protein
Lunch: 2c spinach, 1/2 can chicken, 5 olives, 1/2c bell pepper, 2 tbs dressing
332.3 cal
18.2g fat
11.2g carbs
27.18g protein
Dinner: chicken sausage and veggie stir fry 
516 cal
29g fat
11.4g carbs
32.9g protein
DAILY TOTALS:
2145 cal
139.47g fat
32.25g carbs
179.4g protein
●●●●●●●●●●

ATTACK!

Just a quick little video of my girl hanging with me at the gym. She's been coming with me on the two nights that I go. I've found her to be a great motivator and I love that she sees me doing stuff that most other moms can't or won't do. 

I may need to get her into some sort of MMA or martial art. I think she'd benefit a lot from it.

I Don't Believe You

Warm up: usual suspects including toe touches, knee hugs (both standing and laying flat), airplanes, high kicks and 30 yoga pushups
●●●●●●●●●●
PRESSES:
Bar x10 / Ab wheel x5
65lb x10 / Ab wheel x5
65lb x9, x3 / Ab wheel x5
(Back started really cramping up around this time)
65lb x7, x7 / Ab wheel x5
65lb x8, x4, x4 / Ab wheel x5
65lb x7, x7, x4 / no Ab  wheel
65lb x10, x5, x5 / no Ab wheel
I admit that after the last rep I kind of, umm...quickly kneeled down. My back and I officially hate each other.
●●●●●●●●●●
20lb DB bench 1.5 reps x10 slow eccentric / seated o.h. tri ext 1.5 reps x10
25lb x8 / x8
30lb x6 (assist on last 2) / x6
Orange band face pull / chest pull x10
●●●●●●●●●●●
15lb  DB bench with resistance x10 / seated rows x20
15lb DB bench with eccentric resistance x10 / rows x10
15lb DB speed press x20 / rows x10
●●●●●●●●●●
Tricep dips on PVC handles (about 6" or 7" high), feet on 12lb rage ball / T.T. reach
x10 / x10
x10 / x5
x15, x5 / no stretch
●●●●●●●●●●
2.5lb T & Y 30 seconds
2.5lb Y & Squeeze 1 minute
●●●●●●●●●●
Pushup test, I th8nk it was 1 minute. I only managed 18.
●●●●●●●●●●
I was excited to have done presses tonight because I've missed them. I was not so excited to have the pain that I did. Now even upper body is affected in a major way. I really have nothing to say about it. I'm sick of it. Justin, of course, kept asking if I was ok. He won't let me do obviously dangerous things but he also knows that I'll tell him I'm fine and ok to move on. And I also know that he'll say he doesn't believe me. It's a fine line between being stubborn and being stupid. We walk that line everytime I have back pain. I've grown accustomed to that line. Oh well, if anything, walking that line will help my balance.

Ready or Not...

     Today starts my adventure into the world of ketogenic eating. It was suggested that I look 8nto it by my trainer and I found a good, in depth 30 day meal plan so it's now or never. For those not familiar with it, ketogenic eating is about keeping carbohydrate intake to between 20g and 30g daily. This means your body doesn't have glycogen to use for fuel so it switches to using fat as its main fuel source. I'm hoping this will help propel me over the hump I seemed to have hit. After reading about it though and about something called carbohydrate intolerance,  I'm thinking some of my minor health issues may benefit as well. 
     Although they're not very interesting, I'll be blogging about my daily food intake with pictures where I can. It helps keep me on track. I wouldn't take my counts as exactly on the nose, dome things I've had to guesstimate, but they get me close enough. So without further ado, here's today's eats (so far)
●●●●●●●●●●
Coffee w/ 1/2 & 1/2:
42.3 calories
3g fat
1g carbs 
1.4g protein

Breakfast: 4 scrambled eggs with 1c spinach, 2 tbs cheddar cheese:
1326 calories
88.2g fat
10.88g carbs
108.1g protein

Lunch: 2c spinach, 1 can solid white tuna, 1tbs parmesan cheese, 2 tbs ranch dressing:
292 calories
27.4g fat
4.2g carbs
31.9g protein

Something I found interesting and upsetting at the same time was a soup that I had in my desk. I keep it there in case of "emergencies". The amount of carbs in it would be all that I need for the day. It's ridiculous, really, when you start looking at where carbs are hidden in plain sight. 

It's going to be a challenge and test of my will but I really want this. I want to excel and I think this will help me. Ready or not, here I go....

ADDENDUM :
Dinner was inside out bacon cheeseburgers with cheesy cauliflower. 
677.6 calories
52.4g fat
4.4g carbs 
45.7g protein 
That gives me the following totals for the day:
2337.9 calories
171g fat
20.48g carbs
187.1g protein
I don't have my macro sheet right in front of me but I'm pretty sure all of those, except the carbs, are too high. It was, however, a training day so they should be a bit higher, but I think I'm way off. I'm definitely still in the tweaking stages of this so I'm not going to get super analytical about it right now. I'm just happy that I hit the mark with the damn carbs!
I'm tired....time for bed.