Reverse Hyper/Back Raises/Hanging Knee Raises
20lb x10, 40lb x10, 80lb x10 (?) / x10 / x10
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50lb DB shrugs x30
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BOX SQUATS / 2' BOX JUMPS:
Bar x10 / x3
65lb x10 / x3
95lb x3 / x3
115lb x3 / x3
[135lb x2 / x3] 4x
135lb x7 (just above parallel w/belt & sleeves)
50lb deep goblet hold 30 sec.,stand.
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[Split squats x5 ea leg / front squat w/bar x10 / 2' BOX jumps x3] 3x
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Hang from reverse hyper and stretch on back raise machine. Hang from arm sleeves.
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Pistol squats on a foam brick, hop from one leg to the other to alternate, x10 ea leg.
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P.u. position, knee to elbow into mule kick x10 ea leg
P.u. position, wide legs, walk hands back to feet, grab behind ankles, stretch, 4 seconds to stand
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Tonight was pretty good. My "girdle" tightened up like son of a bitch, but after the stretching it loosened and felt good.
And as for those pistol squats, well, I'm as happy as a pig in shit. They weren't all the way to the ground, but they were about parallel, and I've been trying for a year to do them!
Our plan of attack is to get that 135lb to come up fast and easy. Once we reach that point, Justin thinks we may be over the hump with a big portion of my back issues. It's always this balancing act of pushing enough to strengthen, but not enough to injure. But, hey, my balance is getting better, so I think we've got this!
I caught a little bit of flak tonight for not having my meal planned. I'm HORRIBLE at meal planning. But dinner turned out ok. A 3 egg, kale, bacon and cheese omelet with home fries and toast. I'm not the best at making omelets, but it's edible lol.
I was feeling pretty crappy tonight; down yet again with another virus thingy. I can barely breathe without coughing and I'm pretty sure I'm producing record-setting amounts of mucous, so I wasn't thrilled about training tonight. However, my confidence suffered a blow last night when I tried to do some crazy pushup challenge and failed (by my standards) miserably.
Now, you say, so what? It was a challenge that you couldn't do, get over it. But to my over-thinking, over-analyzing, unrealistic brain it made me question absolutely everything that I've been doing. I questioned whether I had wasted my time trying to live out a dream at my ripe old age of 39. Do I really think deaaadlifting 400lbs is doable if i can't push my own weight? I questioned whether I was, for lack of a better term, a fraud. There are some people that consider me strong, but how strong can I really be if I can't do 4 minutes of slow pushups? I questioned my drive. Did I really just give up on a 4 minute challenge when I used to workout for an hour a day, 5 days a week?
Showing up at the gym tonight was about proving to myself that I was still "in the game". I've learned to accept the fact that life forces us to duck and weave, adapt, compromise. I've accepted the fact that a rigid schedule just isn't realistic for me, and that's OK. what I cannot and will not accept is me floating by on past accomplishments, reputation, or half truths. If I tell someone that I am training to be a strongwoman, then gods damn it, that's what I need to do. If someone speaks of me and says how they admire my drive, then I better damn well show up and drive when I don't feel like it.
Maybe it's wrong for me to think so much, put so much emphasis and meaning into such small moments, but this is how I am. And tonight I learned I am still in the game. I'd say that now I can rest easy, but that would be a lie. I still have to think about why my form was sucking ass tonight on bench press. ;-)
Pushups / fat guy pullups on rings
x8 / x6
x14 / x9
x15 / 7
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BENCH:
Bar 4/1 x10 / 35lb KB upright rows x5 (paused)
65lb x10 / x5
65lb 4/1 x5 / x6
95lb x3 / x6
110lb x2 / x6
115lb s.s. pad x2 / x6
125lb s.s. pad x2 / x6
135lb s.s. pad x1 / x6
135lb s.s. pad + 4" foam roller x1 / x6
[135lb s.s. pad 4 second eccentric x3 (assisted lift), upright rows, paused x6] 3x
I managed one of the lifts with no assist.
65lb wide s.s.pad x14 / bent 35lb KB rows, paused x5 ea arm.
Standing barbell tricep extentions x10, orange band paused pull downs x10
65lb mid s.s. pad x15 /rows x5 ea
Standing extensions x10, orange band pull downs, Bent x20
65lb narrow s.s. pad x10
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DB press, slow eccentric / DB quick press
15lb x10 / x5
20lb x6 / x5
25lb x4 / x5
5lb 2 part T / 2 part Y x10 ea movement
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Plank pushups x10
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I almost didn't go tonight because I was feeling suck with whatever this virus is, but I've never not shown up on my scheduled nights. I'm glad that I went. I didn't feel as strong as I would have liked, but I didn't do too badly. We narrowed down that I'm having issues locking my hips so at one point I was strapped to the bench with a belt. What happens in the gym, stays in the gym....
45lb KB shrugs x30
BOX SQUATS:
Bar x10
90lb 4/1 x3
135lb x1
145lb x1
155lb x1
185lb x1
215lb x1 sleeves & belt
215lb x1 sleeves & belt
Alternated with a squat then a stretch
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SAFETY SQUAT BACK SQUATS:
115lb x3, 6x
115lb x2, 2x
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Hang from reverse hyper table - noticed I was knotted up like mother fucker.
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90lb total kb dead lift x10
45lb KB step ups x5 ea leg
Box jumps x5
Hanging knee raises x10
Did that set 3x
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12lb ball shoulder carry on toes 20', pivot, 20'
Foam roller balance / toss with air squats when I fell off. I think there was a total of 15?
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I went into tonight very apprehensive about how I would hold up. Of course, there's disappointment that I only got up to 215lb, and for only one rep. But as I was told, we're chipping away at the bigger weights. There is no magical cure for my back and I've come to terms with the fact that i'll always have some sort of pain, but I want so badly to feel strong. I feel like I'm babying myself and I hate that. But, anyhow.....
One thing I did notice was that I felt stronger, on the box squats, coming out of the hole. At the top of the lift I felt like I was popping up instead of struggling to get there, so that's a plus. Also, on the back squats, we narrowed down where my sticking point was. I was basically letting my brain tell me that it was going to hurt and that it was going to be difficult. So I switched it and on the way into the hole, I told myself to just push, get the speed and power up and just push. It worked.
And, in my defense, I'm struggling a bit to breathe because I ha e yet ANOTHER cold. So, quite frankly, I'm surprised I didn't flop over.
I was painfully tight when I rolled my legs at the end of the night. Pain like I haven't felt before when I fom toll. I am one big knot. But fat doesn't knot up, so I'm taking it as a positive. ;-)
Timed pushup medley
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BENCH:
Bar 4/1 x10
65lb x5
95lb 4/3 x1
100lb 4/3 x1
110lb 4/3 x1
115lb 4/3 x1
115lb 4/3 x1
120lb 4/3 x1
125lb 4/3 x1
130lb 4/3 x1
135lb 4/3 x1
135lb 4/3 w/roller x1
135lb no pause, with roller x4
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15lb press, hammer curl, o.h. tricep ext, 30 sec ea for 5 minute total.
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[Red band pull downs x10, narrow grip bench empty bar x10 no lockout] 5x
Double red band pull downs pause/ ladder to 10
Narrow grip bench x20
Narrow grip bench with Justin pushing down on it x30
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[Standing pushups (?) x10 1/2 pushup hold 15 sec] 4x
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So Justin voiced his, umm...shall we say concern as to whether I'd remain serious about training now that I have a man in my life. I believe he used this tactic to fire me up a wee bit. Of course it worked. But I also have to say that I am still serious. When you meet someone new there's always a period of adjustment where things get a little crazy. But then you settle down and find your groove. It helps too that he lifts and enjoys being with a woman that lifts. So it's not as if I have to hide or explain what I'm doing. And when you find someone that's mentioned to be with you, it's a given that they would want to encourage you to continue with your dreams.
So, yeah, I'm serious.
2, 45lb KB tap 1x, Carry 50' ladder up to 5 taps
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Safety Squat Bar:
4/1 x5
+20lb x5, pause in the hole 10 sec / calf raises x20
[+20lb x5 15 sec pause / c.r. x20] 3x
Empty s.s. bar x5 15 sec pause /c.r. x20
" " 20 sec / c.r. x20
" " 25 sec / c.r. x20
" " 30 sec / c.r. x20
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DB goblet box squats:
65lb 4/1 x5 / bent reactive hops x10
75lb x4 / hops x10
95lb x3 / hops x10
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Plate walk obstacle course with 30 air squats
Plate walk w/20lb KB
Carrying odd weight with tie squats - pick up and move another weight.
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Hamstring raises (?) With orange resistance band
Leg raises with orange resistance bands
Hanging knee raises 30 sec hold, 3x
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Tonight marks the last night of the lower weights and stabilizer work. I have to say that I'm encouraged because even with that heavy goblet box squat, my back is fine. I'm really hoping that I'm turning a corner and getting my core strong enough to help keep my back in line. I don't expect to always be pain free, but it was getting to be a bit much. So...fingers crossed that it continues to improve. I won't lie though, I'm worried that I've lost strength in my squats. We'll only know that when we get back at it. I'm worried and encouraged at the same time, how is that even possible? Oh well, I've always been a dichotomy, why stop now?
Now that my anxiety has subsided and I was able to placate myself with steak and veggies, I thought I would delete my previous post. Then I decided no, I would leave it up. I've never censored myself on this blog yet and I have no intention of starting that now. I'm honest about the ups and downs I have and I hope that fact alone may help someone else out there who's struggling. So the meltdown post stays.
Right, taking a closer look at my situation I see that consistency is something that's very hard for me to come by lately. It bothers me that my schedule isn't set in stone. It bothers me that I set goals for myself that I can't seem to ever achieve. I guess, I had this vision in my head of training an hour each day come hel or high water. I fell prey to all those stupid quasi inspirational quotes about giving 110%, 100% of the time; about how there's no reason not to train; blah blah blah. I forgot that I was allowed to have a life.
I have a gorgeous 5 year old sprite of a daughter that I barely get to spend time with during the week. I see her for an hour or so as we rush to get ready in the morning and then we have about 4 hours between her coming home from school and bedtime. I only have 4 afternoons with her, so that's a total of 16 hours to enjoy my heart and soul. Take away 2 hours for the gym and 2 hours she gets with her dad on one of those days and I'm down to 12 hours with her. I cannot justify taking more hours away from her, I can't. It's bad enough that those 12 hours are filled with homework, errands, cooking, showers, etc. In the summer, it's a little easier to train with her because she can be outside playing while I lift. It makes it more of a game. But in the winter, our quarters are tight enough for me to move, let alone 2 of us trying to be active. So, I have to be satisfied with getting training in during my 2 gym days and on her night out with dad. Now the weekends, what about those? Well, I've a new person in my life and right now spending quality time with him takes precedence. At some point, we'll work into our own groove and probably even carve out some time to train together, which is something I look forward to very much.
What I'm finding, and what this blog is helping me to work out, is that I'm not that person that will live in the gym. I want too many other things out of life. I want adventures with my daughter and time spent learning about a certain man. I want weekends spent camping or riding or boating. I want trips to amusement parks and museums, and I want slow paced movie nights and date nights. What I've realized, is that's all ok. It doesn't make me a quitter or less dedicated. If anything, it shows just how determined I am to have everything I want.
I will still be strong, stronger than most. I will still be able to hit my target weights, and maybe even one day get at least one competition under my belt. I still want my little girl to see her mom kicking ass and taking names. That's very important to me. She needs to see that strength, but she also needs to see me making time for her and other important people and things in my life. I've never been someone with a narrow focus. I've always held a wide variety of interests and talents. Why I suddenly expected that to change now, I don't know. I lost myself for a moment, to the stereotype of a "lifter". If there is one thing I am not, it's a stereotype. Just when you think you have me figured out, I will pull another trick out of my hat and send you reeling because that's how I roll.
Justin told me that guilt is a wasted emotion and he's right. Feeling the guilt of not being good enough did nothing but send me over the edge. Frankly, I'm sick of going over that damn edge. I want level ground for a change, at least for a little while. It's within my grasp now and my grip has been strengthened, so there's no reason I can't take that level ground and hold on toght. Screw carrying guilt around with me, that's what iron's for.
I don't know how much longer I can take feeling this frustration. I want to train and yet I'm so locked up by anger right now that all I can manage are tears. Honestly, I'm tired of the energy in this house. It's heavy and depressing. I come home to just about 18 square feet of floor space in a dark little room to try and do something and I can't. It's too cold to be outside and too cold to be in the garage. Every bit of ambition is sucked out of me. And it fucking sucks. On the grand scale my drive is there, but nowhere near where I think it should be. The days I go to the gym are the best days I have training. I don't know if it's just cabin fever setting in or something else.
Life has handed me a beautiful gift and so training has taken a back seat on the weekends and I'm good with that. I started this journey with not much company - my daughter was living with her dad during the week and I only saw her on the weekends, and I had no significant other. It was just me and so I had plenty of time to kill by training. Now that I have her during the week, and a good man that I see on the weekends, it's time yet again for a rethink of my schedule.
I don't know if my goals have changed, per se, or maybe they've been put into perspective. Getting into a comp was my number one goal. I wanted to prove myself. Now, my number one goal is being strong for me and proving to me what I can do. The bravado has died down a bit, the intensity less noticeable. I still want to be the strongest woman in any given room, but I think the road to getting there is different now.
I see people training every day, some people doing 2 or three hours a day. I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I want to enjoy my daughter and my boyfriend. I want to have adventures in life, not just in the gym. But I also want the gym. I love that place. It's as if I have guilt for not being "dedicated" enough. But then I say "fuck that nonsense!". If I wasn't dedicated I would have stopped a year ago, but I didn't stop. I kept finding a way. Maybe it's this mystery guilt that needs to go. It makes me wonder why I do this. Who do I think I have to answer to?
I'm still frustrated, still a bit anxious, still not working out. Whatever. Tonight still sucks. I'm going to drown my anger in food. Steak, to be precise.
Pushups:
x25, x13, x8, x8
Eccentric pushups, 4 seconds down x10
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DB bench x3 / rows x6 ea side:
25lb 4x, 30lb, 35lb, 40lb, 45lb
Those were done in about 7 minutes.
45lb x3, no rows (failed 50lb)
25lb x30 no rows
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Empty bar bench:
[4 sec down, 1/2 way up, down, full bench] x10
[4 sec 1/2 way down, up, full bench] x10
High pull, 4 sec down x10
Suppinated grip row 4 sec down x10
High pull, 4 sec up, pause x10
Suppinated grip row 4 sec up x10
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Seated orange band pull downs x30
Standing pull downs x30
Face pulls x30
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Bench dips x15
Seated o.h. tricep ext. 20lb x10
Close grip bench pushups x7
Seated o.h. tricep ext db held lengthwise 20lb x10
Bench dips x9
Standing o.h. tricep ext x9
Pushups x6
All the reps on the above are guesstimates, it was fast paced and I really don't remember.
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Core:
Feet on ball, walk left then right
Feet on ball, walk forward
Plank on ball, tried for a pushup but fell.
Elbow plank on ball, arms in and out.
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Between the bar and the ball I am once again humbled. And, I might add, pissed off! Lol it's maddening yo me when I'm telling my body to do something and it just refuses to do it. I WILL strengthen my core, and I WILL get to a point where I can laugh in the face of that stupid stability ball. That smug little bastard is going down....mark my words. ;)
DB obstacle course:
Walk on toes across the tips of the DB, get to the end and take the last DB to a new position did that 5 times. Moved the 45lb, 3 80lb, and a 100lb.
Walk new course (wide steps) up and back.
Walk the course again with a 45lb DB.
45lb goblet squats x20
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Squats:
Worked with the empty bar doing various stances and timing, maximizing time under tension.
Safety Squat Bar:
Cross arm front squats
Criss arm back lunges
Cross arm front lunges
Safety Squat Bar:
Back squats
Back lunges
Front lunges
Safety Squat Bar jump squats
Jump squats - body weight
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Carry 2, 80lb DB About 40'
50lb DB (100lb total) walking lunges 40'
35lb (70lb total) deep front lunges 40'
65lb walking 1/4 squats 40' (didn't bother my back!)
25lb goblet squats 40'
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Hanging knee raises w/resistance
Hanging leg lifts
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Pleased with tonight, overall. I was hoping to be able to go heavy again, but I got just as good a workout tonight with an empty bar!
I'm also pleased that my back didn't act up, even with the DB work. I was worried, especially with the goblet squats, but it held up ok.
Lots of thoughts floating around my head tonight, but I think I'll save them for another time.
Burpees x30
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Dips x15, 2x
Ab wheel x10
20lb KB o.h. straight leg sit ups x15
Leg lifts x15
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Dips x25, x5
Ab wheel x15
20lb KB o.h. sit ups x20
Leg lifts x20
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Dips x25, x5
Ab wheel x20
20lb KB o.h. sit ups x25
Leg lifts x25
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I definitely have an issue working out at home. I hate it. I literally have a space that's about 6.5' x 3' to work out in. It's a jail cell both physically and mentally. But I at least I moved my core for 30 minutes . I'm disappointed, but you knew that was coming.
Dead leg drag: 40' x5
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Bench:
Bar x10 / push ups x10
65lb x10 /p.u. x10
95lb x5 / 50lb rows x5 ea arm
115lb x3 / 50lb rows x5
135lb x2 / 50lb rows x5
135lb x2 / 50lb rows x5
(May have done another set @ 135lb, not sure)
Drop Sets with Shoulder Saver Pad:
135lb x2
125lb x5
105lb x5
85lb x5
65lb x5
Bar x8
Bar x10
I was supposed to get more reps on each, but could only managed 5 on each.
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Bumper plate front raise/shrug:
10lb x12
15lb x10
25lb x8
35lb x6
Bumper plate o.h. tricep ext.:
10lb x20
15lb x15
25lb x12
35lb x10
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Orange band pull downs x10
14lb ball wall slams x10, 5x
Orange band wide stance bent pull downs x10, 5x
15lb DB press on stability ball x30
30lb rows x30 ea arm.
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The 135lb seemed to go fairly well tonight and I'm pleased that I was able to get as many as I did. We had to stop at one point though because I totally lost focus and the lift sucked ass. Took a break, regained composure and nailed it.
I'm not so pleased with missing reps on the drop sets and they felt weak, weak enough to need assisrance, which always bothers me. But overall, I think tonight was a success.
