I lost my ideal. At the very core of my difficulties, it's not discipline or time or programs or routines. I very simply lost my ideal.
If you've read any amount of my posts you would have, by now, seen a pattern of inconsistency for quite some time now. That may in itself mean I've actually been somewhat consistent, but I digress. I've maintained periods of weeks at a time working out multiple times a week to only fall off the wagon and revert to stagnancy. I've at times been highly motivated and pushing myself according to a specific program and then lost every ounce of structure and floundered haplessly with no direction. And programs? Please, I've tried plenty. I thought I had hit onto the reason when I read Jocko Willink's book "Discipline Equals Freedom". I buckled down and set up a routine with a solid program and I did it! I did 8 weeks of training 4 days a week. I was sorta proud. Then It all fell to shit. I just stopped. I was frustrated, and pissed off. What happened? I had been disciplined but I felt like I still wasn't seeing the results that I should. I felt as if I had worked towards nothing. All that effort wasted. What the hell??
I threw my hands in the air and gave up in exasperation. It was all pointless and I wasn't giving it any more of my energy. I turned my focus towards other outlets. I got back into crafting and listening to podcasts and enriching my brain.
I was elated to see that Jordan Peterson's new book, "Beyond Order - 12 More Rules For Life" was available and I put my order in for that. I've already read his other book "12 Rules For Life - An Antidote For Chaos" and I got a lot out of it. Yesterday, I watched a podcast between Dave Rubin and Dr. Peterson discussing his new book and a lightbulb went off in my head. Actually, not a lightbulb. A million candle watt floodlight washed over me. It wasn't about discipline at all and never really had been. I had lost my ideal. Bear with me and let's get into it a little bit.
Having an ideal means that you have some image in your mind of what you could be, and probably what you should be. It's realizing that you first off have potential, and moreover that you have yet to reach your full potential. When I first started working out after I had my daughter, I definitely had an ideal. I had a clear picture in my mind's eye of what I wanted to transform myself into. I could see me, when I closed my eyes, as a better version of me; improved in all aspects from what I then was. I saw myself as the perfected person that I knew I could be. I saw how I wanted to look, how I wanted to act, how I wanted to carry myself. It was my ideal self. I worked my ass off to mold myself into that idol. I didn't know if I could get there but I knew that it's what I should try and do. I knew I should be trying to improve every facet of my person because if I wasn't trying to improve, I would become stagnant and nasty. Having that ideal set the bar and gave me a goal to work towards.
For various reasons and through a myriad of circumstances, I lost that friggin ideal. I suppose I got complacent at a certain point and maybe I thought that I had reached the end point. Without a target all the discipline in the world will do nothing except make you angry and confused. If you don't have a clearly defined target, then what is all the work for? Work just for the sake of work is stupid and a waste of energy. It's like spraying an entire area with a sprinkler when all you need to be doing is watering one plant. All you have to do is narrow that spray of water down to a concentrated stream and focus it on the one damn plant but you were an idiot and forgot which plant you were supposed to be watering.
Then you start to become resentful. I mean, what the hell? You're putting all this effort forth (or so you think) and you're getting nowhere. Meanwhile all these jerks around you are achieving what you should be achieving. Where's the fairness in that? It's total bullshit. Only it's not total bullshit and deep down you know it. It hurts to know it though and resentment and bitterness are easier and way less painful. Those jerks are achieving what you aren't achieving because they never lost their targets. Their efforts aren't all willy-nilly. They may not understand it as having an ideal, but they understand the concept of goals and they're working the shit out of them. Meanwhile, you lost your goals and picked up a boat load of jealousy and anger and resentment. You're an idiot. I'm an idiot.
Having an ideal is always harder than having no ideal because the ideal is itself a judge. You willingly put yourself up against the ideal everyday and determine where you fall short. It requires honest personal assessment. That shit is never easy and that's why so many people have no ideals. No ideal - no judgement. Without judgement, you're just fine the way you are and everything is peachy keen. With judgement, you're imperfect and accept that hard work needs to be done to change. Maybe that's also part of the reason I lost my ideal - I got lazy. I don't want to be lazy any more. It's shameful.
Speaking of shame, it's a great motivator. I am ashamed of being angry and resentful of people who are out there just doing their thing. I am so much better than this. You know how I know? I looked back at what my ideal used to be. I looked back at what I actually was. I was better than this! If I was better, than there's no goddamned reason that I can't be better again. The ideal is still the same. It's mine again and within my sights. My mind's eye has targeted where I want to be and with that clear vision restored, I will move forward. Dropping the anger and resentment and jealousy and all those petty little emotions lightens the load and makes it easier to move. I'm focusing on my target and doing only the things that will get me there. It's never a straight trajectory. We wobble along the way and need to make adjustments here and there, but that's all part it. The main thing is to just keep readjusting towards the ideal because that should never waiver.
I'm placing a link below to the three books that I mentioned. I think they would be a benefit to anyone trying to figure out what their ideal is and how to get there.
We are all Gods in the making. We should carry ourselves accordingly.
